one for the road

i've died a little tonight. at the end of the road, it's always hard to know, to acknowledge, love and i, we are never enough.

i wish we all feel this way

and the nose soured...

finding this morning a little hard. i'm frankly a wee bit tired.

a moment

some days like today, when the going gets tough, i really wish i could just die in my sleep.
because, what for? staying alive is really very much a chore.

this will do

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

177 days to 29 years of being

so i have applied for leave formally during this lunar new year period.

today was the first day and i have achieved next to nothing. not even a cat nap. quite frankly, i'm always not sure what to do during these off-days. do i go all out filling my day with activities or am i allowed to be a bum and vege out? who can tell me what's the appropriate way to behave. i sort of need to know. and today, while doing nothing, i have watched several interview clips of a singapore-born american author, googled her and read 2 short stories she wrote. while i was fascinated by her naturalised american accent, i couldn't help but to think about her whole being, her entire history. did she always know that she want to write? if not, when was that moment of eureka? did she struggle being a singaporean in the land of the free and did she struggle subsequently as an american? how is she liking austin- the new city she recently moved to? is she conscious that "we" might be judging? is she a quitter? does she like being a quitter? how does it feel being an overachiever? deep down in her heart, does she feel more singaporean than american? or is it the other way round?

so many questions.

essentially, i question because it gives me better clarity.

do i like myself? am i comfortable with myself? do i like this job? do i really want to spend my days agonising over people's incompetency? if not, what can i do? can i get out of this vicious cycle? am i enjoying myself? is it too late for a change in career? when can i leave? where will i be in the next 3 years? do i need a hair cut?

but what's the point of it all seriously.
so off i go, again, and again.

revisiting an old friend, someone i could become

so, here we are into the 2nd week of 2010. still trying to stay afloat mondays to fridays. where did the time go? how did we keep going growing going growing so fast. feeling a little pensive as always, 2010 doesn't seem any different, feels like an overspill of 2009, 2008, 2007, 1996, 1998, 2001, really holly.

sometime this week, i went to see cat power live in esplanade. and i think i will never ever forget how magical it was that hot humid wednesday night. how can i explain it all? to see chan on stage, in this life time. i didn't think i'd ever get to do that, really. now when i think about the whole experience, to see her walking out onto the stage, her awkward antics, little sways, big smiles, it genuinely moves me beyond words. so, how can i explain it all? when i was 17, a big part of my life was in a mess. i had just came back to singapore from boston, feeling like my whole life was a big injustice. my father's business was failing and could no longer support my overseas education and i had to leave the new life i was getting accustomed to, back to the grind, back to a life i was ever so ready to leave. so i stayed home or escaped to various malls and parks most days even when i had school, staring at the walls, watching people whisking past purposefully while listening to the soft sounds of chan- whom i discovered oceans away.

and i kept going and growing . through the heartbreaks, the struggles, the ups and the downs, the days and the nights. still listening to chan. still feeling the void and wanting to quit it all. it did get better though, this funny thing that's life. and i stopped turning to chan, slowly. from time to time, it felt like a betrayal but.. whenever i miss, i know i can blow off the dust and put the cd on and everything that didn't feel right won't be fine but, it just magically didn't matter anymore.

and some days this life, it still feels hard. to embrace this happiness. i don't know if i'm innately mellow, innately sad or just innately incapable to allow myself to truly be happy. but i think i'm fine with this now, really i am, comfortable in this skin. feeling happy and humming the tune of colors and the kids. thinking of days ahead and yet always remaining mesmerized with the misty fog of the faraway places.

and on wednesday night, seeing chan marshall, even when she's not singing those songs that'd accompanied me through my mostly alone and solititude-full days, is and always will be a triumphant moment of my underachieving life.

so yes, i really still can't explain it all.