revisiting an old friend, someone i could become

so, here we are into the 2nd week of 2010. still trying to stay afloat mondays to fridays. where did the time go? how did we keep going growing going growing so fast. feeling a little pensive as always, 2010 doesn't seem any different, feels like an overspill of 2009, 2008, 2007, 1996, 1998, 2001, really holly.

sometime this week, i went to see cat power live in esplanade. and i think i will never ever forget how magical it was that hot humid wednesday night. how can i explain it all? to see chan on stage, in this life time. i didn't think i'd ever get to do that, really. now when i think about the whole experience, to see her walking out onto the stage, her awkward antics, little sways, big smiles, it genuinely moves me beyond words. so, how can i explain it all? when i was 17, a big part of my life was in a mess. i had just came back to singapore from boston, feeling like my whole life was a big injustice. my father's business was failing and could no longer support my overseas education and i had to leave the new life i was getting accustomed to, back to the grind, back to a life i was ever so ready to leave. so i stayed home or escaped to various malls and parks most days even when i had school, staring at the walls, watching people whisking past purposefully while listening to the soft sounds of chan- whom i discovered oceans away.

and i kept going and growing . through the heartbreaks, the struggles, the ups and the downs, the days and the nights. still listening to chan. still feeling the void and wanting to quit it all. it did get better though, this funny thing that's life. and i stopped turning to chan, slowly. from time to time, it felt like a betrayal but.. whenever i miss, i know i can blow off the dust and put the cd on and everything that didn't feel right won't be fine but, it just magically didn't matter anymore.

and some days this life, it still feels hard. to embrace this happiness. i don't know if i'm innately mellow, innately sad or just innately incapable to allow myself to truly be happy. but i think i'm fine with this now, really i am, comfortable in this skin. feeling happy and humming the tune of colors and the kids. thinking of days ahead and yet always remaining mesmerized with the misty fog of the faraway places.

and on wednesday night, seeing chan marshall, even when she's not singing those songs that'd accompanied me through my mostly alone and solititude-full days, is and always will be a triumphant moment of my underachieving life.

so yes, i really still can't explain it all.

trying to keep breathing

we always felt so good, together
the days just rolled on by

today i missed the big cities a lil more than usual.
especially the cold air, the i gotta stick my hands into my pockets kind. but those moments can wait i guess, till may.

been feeling somewhat pensive. more so after a chat with weber.
jacq and weber, they have lost their baby. i'm not sure how that feels really, for i have never experienced it, not that i'd like to. but, really, 27 and losing a baby. what's the deal mister someone up there?

we chatted for a long time, from the economic crisis to how we really really really don't feel our age. i remember most of the adventurous tales weber used to share with me when we were teenagers. i have always live vicariously through him. after all, he seems to have everything that i'd want and don't possess as yet. but our recent conversations, they have been nothing short of maturity and i'm not sure how i feel about them. while i appreciate that we have both grown and are now somewhat achieving better things in life, is it wrong that i'd really want my little brother back to talk shit over his mad love for the greatest love of his life whom really is a nothing but a fleeting mesmerising moment? it feels a little stabbingly sad to hear about the differences between him and his wife and how he felt like he had to conform. we are young and not quite so. the contradictions are blinding and yet awakening.

and this leaves me to ponder. what do i really want?

i doubt i can ever have a clear answer to that, but for now, am i happy? yes, i'd like to think so.
and i am grateful for this happiness which i can acknowledge and pen down about. it has never been easy for me to acknowledge happiness. in my warped mind, if i feel happy about life, that would have meant i'm contented and thus i'd eventually be complacent. but in recent times, i have often asked myself, is it wrong to be contented? why can't i be contented? i'm changing, i really am. my perspectives towards contentment and happiness are now vastly different from years back. and honest to goodness, i embrace this. it really makes living easier.

now, to keep this perspective close to heart.
onwards, we go.

some nights

it gets a little harder.

and perhaps, some mornings too.

sampling solace

this morning i have been missing you so much that it feels a lil empty in my tiny flawed heart.
it feels strange that i did not see you on a friday evening and will not too, throughout a saturday. but, it's okay, you'll be back home soon and everything's gonna be alright again in this world just like how you always said to me.

so for now, i shall wait, wait for you to come home.

happy birthday, my love

many happy returns, together.
i'll be moping around as long as you let me. (make that, even when you won't let me.)
i love you.

after japan hours

japan is over.

and it has left me missing us, missing the long quiet walks through undiscovered uber cool suburbs, missing getting lost in the big neon-ed up city, missing ordering and eating at the standing sushi bars, missing waking up to you, missing the coldness on the nape of my neck, missing your hand in my pocket, missing the close proximity of you, missing the ridiculous fights and quick recoveries, missing the excitement, missing the in-between sighs while looking at our hotel rooms, missing the adventures, missing being with you 24/7.

it makes my nose a little sour just thinking of that.

still remembering how it felt when we touched down and you had me do a temperature check outside. now, that, was golden. i miss, and i miss autumn. it's a moment i will not forget.

all i'm gonna do now is to look forward to another episode of our little adventures.

baby, we are gonna rock the world together. :)

so wake up, and smell the scent on your skin

this afternoon was made up of a bit of tears, some anxiety, a dash of guilt, an envelope of uncertainty, visuals of raindrops, small and big hitting against the window as well as strange reminiscing of lazy school days between 3-4.

funny, why do i/we have to grow up even when i/we am/are absolutely not feeling it.
journey on. journey on.
journey.
on.