trying to keep breathing

we always felt so good, together
the days just rolled on by

today i missed the big cities a lil more than usual.
especially the cold air, the i gotta stick my hands into my pockets kind. but those moments can wait i guess, till may.

been feeling somewhat pensive. more so after a chat with weber.
jacq and weber, they have lost their baby. i'm not sure how that feels really, for i have never experienced it, not that i'd like to. but, really, 27 and losing a baby. what's the deal mister someone up there?

we chatted for a long time, from the economic crisis to how we really really really don't feel our age. i remember most of the adventurous tales weber used to share with me when we were teenagers. i have always live vicariously through him. after all, he seems to have everything that i'd want and don't possess as yet. but our recent conversations, they have been nothing short of maturity and i'm not sure how i feel about them. while i appreciate that we have both grown and are now somewhat achieving better things in life, is it wrong that i'd really want my little brother back to talk shit over his mad love for the greatest love of his life whom really is a nothing but a fleeting mesmerising moment? it feels a little stabbingly sad to hear about the differences between him and his wife and how he felt like he had to conform. we are young and not quite so. the contradictions are blinding and yet awakening.

and this leaves me to ponder. what do i really want?

i doubt i can ever have a clear answer to that, but for now, am i happy? yes, i'd like to think so.
and i am grateful for this happiness which i can acknowledge and pen down about. it has never been easy for me to acknowledge happiness. in my warped mind, if i feel happy about life, that would have meant i'm contented and thus i'd eventually be complacent. but in recent times, i have often asked myself, is it wrong to be contented? why can't i be contented? i'm changing, i really am. my perspectives towards contentment and happiness are now vastly different from years back. and honest to goodness, i embrace this. it really makes living easier.

now, to keep this perspective close to heart.
onwards, we go.

some nights

it gets a little harder.

and perhaps, some mornings too.

sampling solace

this morning i have been missing you so much that it feels a lil empty in my tiny flawed heart.
it feels strange that i did not see you on a friday evening and will not too, throughout a saturday. but, it's okay, you'll be back home soon and everything's gonna be alright again in this world just like how you always said to me.

so for now, i shall wait, wait for you to come home.

happy birthday, my love

many happy returns, together.
i'll be moping around as long as you let me. (make that, even when you won't let me.)
i love you.

after japan hours

japan is over.

and it has left me missing us, missing the long quiet walks through undiscovered uber cool suburbs, missing getting lost in the big neon-ed up city, missing ordering and eating at the standing sushi bars, missing waking up to you, missing the coldness on the nape of my neck, missing your hand in my pocket, missing the close proximity of you, missing the ridiculous fights and quick recoveries, missing the excitement, missing the in-between sighs while looking at our hotel rooms, missing the adventures, missing being with you 24/7.

it makes my nose a little sour just thinking of that.

still remembering how it felt when we touched down and you had me do a temperature check outside. now, that, was golden. i miss, and i miss autumn. it's a moment i will not forget.

all i'm gonna do now is to look forward to another episode of our little adventures.

baby, we are gonna rock the world together. :)

so wake up, and smell the scent on your skin

this afternoon was made up of a bit of tears, some anxiety, a dash of guilt, an envelope of uncertainty, visuals of raindrops, small and big hitting against the window as well as strange reminiscing of lazy school days between 3-4.

funny, why do i/we have to grow up even when i/we am/are absolutely not feeling it.
journey on. journey on.
journey.
on.

how it might have been

the more i think about what has transpired, the more i want to dig into it, hold it, bite it and then spit it.

someone once said to me, "you're like the party pooper, why do you have to be this way?" i don't have the answer really but then again, perhaps i do. if i think hard enough, i probably could attribute my party pooperism nature to one of my greatest fears which is the fear of not being accepted.

acceptance by my family, by a friend, by a colleague, by anyone that comes into contact with me. the fear gets a little overwhelming at times and it blinds me. any immediate sign of disagreement sets me off in a defense mode. almost too immediately.

what can i say.
maybe Freud could share some thoughts.
perhaps.

it's late now and i must therefore, go.