thoughts for today

daydreams don't come easy. but if i got down to it - how smilesome that i must set myself to dream, it doesn't happen on its own, for i've so little that i could want - i'd dream of being with you. you know it. and i'll not say more about that.

"such love in your touch," she said, and it was true. my hand slid down her arm to touch her wrist and i loved all of her.

feeling different surfaces, different textures. it's like a greeting before entering. it makes me feel welcome. sometimes i want to taste everything. i want to kiss things. sometimes i do. the area above my upper lip is extra sensitive to different temperatures. i want to taste everything, yes. it's a new idea, a new potential experience. and now that the potential exists, i'm aware of it, and i'll think about it, and one day i will have overcome my fear. so it has been with everything else.

i'm sleepy. every thought ends too soon. they come, but i'm sleepy, so they go away, untouched, left to rest. until the next time, nite nite and day day. it makes me happy to think that maybe someone will notice something special today. something amazing. anything.

on a different note, pride left and took depression and misery along with it. and i'm that smiling girl waving the gloomy trio a happy goodbye.

folding laundry, grumpy, thinking of other realities. a sheet slips and falls on the floor. stab-inna-sec: how dare things not be as i would have them be. "fuck." a minute later, on the way to school this morning, my mind veers back to that 'fuck' and the anger that prompted it. where did it come from and why. a sheet is just a sheet, not a reason for doing anything.

just like pride is just pride, not a reason for doing anything. pride is a justification when there truly is none.

my sickness had a hand in my impatient mood, yes. but that's just an excuse, a reason without a reason. i have this post-gloominess habit of looking back at all that's transpired in the state of mind that i've now emerged from. it's not that i wallow in gloominess once it's gone, i just don't want to be as if it never was, because there's always a reason for everything, and i want to know those reasons. being aware of the reason why things have happened helps me better deal with the situation if it comes round again. and feelings have a way of swinging by without being invited. i guess i like being ready, even though i can never know what will happen and thus can't be prepared for anything specific. but i can be prepared to not trap myself in misery.

i used to wallow a lot. once i saw whatever it was that i wished i hadn't done, i then proceeded to give myself an emotional thrashing as well as a mental one. self-loathing, contempt, even hatred, all used as a form of punishment, because i believed that i should be punished. but that never really helped, only made me feel more miserable, and the worse i felt, the heavier came the guilt, and the harder it was to let it go.

but that was then and this is now. today i'm all for growth, not punishment. i don't even believe in prisons, but that's another story, not one i care to get into now.

funny how it was a 'fuck' that finally gave me a pause. i feel like i've been spinning for three days, which is a long long time for me to hang onto a sad mood, even if it wasn't all tears and pain all the time. it's good to be still again, free to look around without feeling sick. from the start, i was aware that all i had to do was let it go. i was all ready to let it go and feel better, but a small, stubborn, persuasive part of me said no, no i will not. all the while i know that this is a load of crap. i know full well that my bad mood is nobody else's fault. but that stubborn part of me doesn't want to know this. because if i were to acknowledge that my mood is of my own doing, i'd also have to acknowledge that i'm the only one who can do something about it. whereas if i blame others for my situation, it's only natural for me to then expect those same others to fix it for me.

that's a pattern that's very hard to dissolve, a pride pattern. i'd rather not enter it at all.

and now it's all behind, and tonight is all ahead. call me a fool, but i'm feeling festive, enough to have baked a cheese cake, downed three cups of orange juice. this is a perfect moment to step out, taste the air, experience something special, love, and appreciate what there is to appreciate in this life. which is all of it, really.