whenever i want to belong, i find no good place to settle down to. the only seats available are somehow crooked.
we have certain emotions, tendencies, traits, that are considered normal and are as such, inadvertently, encouraged to remain. certain things are considered healthy because they are inherent for human beings. being healthy (physically as well as mentally) makes for a more pleasant daily life, yes, but i don't understand how much it matters, as if it was some absolute value. sigh, perhaps it is, at that, though by no means to all, no. but to get back on track here, 'because it's healthy' is the most common argument when it comes to answering the question of why should we be some specific way that psychology has explained us to be.
but man cannot be explained because man is alive. and life is unexplainable. why? because it hasn't ended yet. as long as we exist, we experience existence. and as long as we experience existence, we cannot explain it. one cannot both experience and explain simultaneously. explanations always apply to what has happened, and never to what is happening. we're always catching up behind, chasing the moment without ever being able to capture the present moment in words. we can only write history.
to experience this moment, not to spend it on trying to catch up to it, in vain.
all this distress feels like the last seizure before the end. it's painful, but more and more the pain gets washed away by laughter, that feeling of happy laughter, that bottomless well of mirth that i'm turning into, even as my ego is battling to remain. and what a futile battle it is, for how can laughter be fought when it has no substance. it's like water or air, it flows without a shape and position, it cannot be targeted because there's nothing to focus on. there's just laughter. and sighs, still. perhaps some day laughter is all there is. not yet, though.
but if that day will come, then i'll go without announcing my departure. because disappearance has no drama and invisibility has no grace. if they did, they wouldn't be disappearance and invisibility. they'd be something less than real.
