feeling rather golden

tired once again.

"want to know why you don't like amy? it's because you're scared of anyone who's not dressed like you."

a few thousand feet high in the sky, we were talking about acceptance, love on rebound, and many more. so much heaviness from within.
awake now, slightly dazzled from the dream i had, half smiling, heart aching. this is not good.

5 things I'd like to say to 5 different people

• i used to love you so much and i still do, i don't think it's ever possible to get over that beautiful and yet highly deluded days, i'm so very sorry that i was so ever selfish towards you. always on my mind, always.
• i don't think you know but i do have feelings for you, it's somewhat warped.
• it's regrettable, whatever that had happened between us, i tried and gave you my all, it didn't work out, we're left hanging like dolls on strings. i love you too and will for awhile more to go.
• honestly. go get a life.
• i hope you take it back cos i'm forever tormented by it, please for the sake of humanity. lets all forgive and forget, move on and have fun, you motherfucker.
  

merry christmas.

the end of my paper-filing days!

1) middle-aged women baffles me.
especially this particular one who has an almost devious need and hunger for control over everything she can lay her ugly kaypoh hands on. honestly, she should be working at the SMRT's control stations. she will do a fucking brilliant job.

2) psychologically unsound women aside, lunch was nothing fanciful but yet somewhat warming. the nice people from the NAC gave me a lunch treat peppered with what seemed to be a million times of thank you(s)throughout the meal. i suppose, they do have to thank me. it's been fun working with them again and this is definitely not the last time. good times to come, good times.

3) i'm also unfortunately bleeding to my premature death. BUT, this shall not and will not deter me from kicking some asses this evening. i will press on and press on, i will.

4) a friend's father has just passed away in chicago. although i couldn't be there for the wake and funeral, all my positive vibes are definitely with the gulas. they are people of good hearts and they will make it through this grey episode in life, though tough but certainly possible.

5) my favorite korean american has nicknamed me as christmas special. i can't decide if that's sweet or sarcastic really. what do you do with these damn koreans really? and yes, the said korean has also recently started dating and i'm thrilled and happy. kick ass people deserve kick ass partners. i'm glad.

6) plans plans plans. 5 more months and i'm done and everyone can kiss my ass when i make my way to the chilly wind city.

7) point forms are very very very professional.

8) i better go and honestly, i just saw my payslip and i'm incredibly annoyed with the fact that i've donated $0.50 to CDAC. i refuse!! i do not want to donate any of my money to that ^!%^@!(*& organisation who employs deprived-and-unbelievably-grouchy-black-f

aced women! I HATE CDAC!!! okay, that's all i've got to say.

9) being immature is fun.

the smell

three nights in a row, i have dreams that are alike in tone. flavor, sound, color, and feel - i don't recall any smells, except for the air that i breathe - are the same, even though the occurences of the dreams differ. might say that these stories have different plots but the same theme. on three mornings in a row, i wake up with a sense of significance. that what is happening now, in these days, is significant.

what is happening now, in these days, is realizing - and this is significant - that nothing is significant. and whatever is significant. and everything. and anything. and something.

and that things can't make me happy, mad, unhappy, glad, afraid, sad, or numb. things can't even make me notice. only thoughts can do all this, and only thoughts do. especially the subtle ones. silent thoughts that don't even whisper. thoughts that say nothing. almost like they weren't even there.... but there they are. yet because the thoughts are so subtle, it's the things that get the blame as well as the thanks. being a thought is an influential yet utterly ungrateful job. it's not fair. but it sure is beautiful.

to realize that i can say 'beautiful', without caring about how the word is conventionally used. there is no convention.

and that a thought is never beyond me. a thought is never beyond us.

and we are never beyond thoughts. when there are no thoughts... we are not. nothing may be. but nothing is not us. when nothing is, we are not. whether nothing first disappears or we first appear, i don't know. and where do we go when nothing is? i don't know. perhaps we don't go anywhere. seeing as we aren't.

and to look at what has been said, and live, "i quit you." and then, to quit. i quit you. and then, to realize that there was nothing to quit.

do you understand? i don't ever want to quit you.

liberated from myself

[01:25] Tungmot Neungpun: i wish the best for you
[01:25] Tungmot Neungpun: your dreams
[01:25] Tungmot Neungpun: walking down and see that person that you really want.
[01:25] Tungmot Neungpun: be one with the person that you are meant to be with

of morning breeze that promises to take away what i'm incapable of feeling.
of tears, anger and hurt that i couldn't lay to rest. this morning is a turning point and has to be.
i can't put my hand on why this is so unhealthy, so toiling on my mental health and physical being but i know this is for the better days that i'm capable of, for the better times i should and will have. this is for me. this is.
of the fears i used to feel, gone, the way i want it. gone.

i feel liberated. and this is real.
and i don't want to look back.

public service announcement for the day

we'll break free one day and say goodbye to cheebyes of the world.

five songs that i listen to a lot right now

1. kings of convenience's i don't know what i can save you from, (both original and royksopp remix)
2. k's choice's almost happy
3. prince/sinead o connor's nothing compares to you
4. kings of convenience's until you understand
5. smashing pumpkins' luna