the truth is, i am not a happy person.
and i don't think i can ever be.
and yet, there's this whole sense of urgency, and need to be.
to be happy.
to feel whole, to be complete. partly for myself just so that living might actually be easier. and just so, when i finally meet the love of my life, i would not short change her by having a broken spirit, a lost soul and little faith in what i can give and can't give. i don't want to be broken, i don't want to be the kind of lover that would weep when her lover leaves out of sheer despair that the relationship just ain't going anywhere. i was that kind of person, but, now, i don't think i am and i don't want to be.
many things have happened on the personal level as well as the workfront.
i feel like i've somewhat grown and yet not, i'm not sure if that's entirely possible but as conflicting as it sounds, it's really how it is for me, these few months. going forward and yet being really quite deep-rooted.
there have been talks and discussions with a close friend on moving out of the country, to faraway places like the uk. we have started working on it, filling up application forms to various MA programmes in the UK, prestigious universities, no less, with money in bank that's not even enough for 1 semester's fees. so, next up, more forms filling for scholarships. i don't even know how much i really want this. i've never been fascinated by the uk and have never fathom a future there. i'm an america girl. inside and out. deep inside my heart, i know where i want my future to be, and that place is just not uk. and this kills me. even before i submit my scholarship application.
i don't have high hopes for anything, not now. i just live my days as grounded as possible. because if i don't hope, i won't get crushed. it's hard being so cynical but i don't know if there are better ways around it. i want to be able to take a chance, to breathe and to be free. i desperately want to.
i pine and i pine for people.
missing people can be rather cathartic. the whole laying in bed, closing eyes and just thinking, conjuring the smell and touch of the missed one stint can be a long and lonely journey. but you'll get by. just like any other days. but on some days, just some days, the eye lids get a little heavier than usual, and you just want to lay down a little longer. that's how i think of you. still.
there's no point to this. but i feel ready for a good cry, now.
