hush

it doesn't matter what other people have or don't have. it doesn't matter what i have or don't have. my problem is that though i have enough problems, i keep creating ones; first twisting myself up in knots and then unraveling myself, again and again. perhaps this is my way of entertaining myself. perhaps i'll stop doing that. or maybe i simply stop worrying about it now.

no distress. no apathy. no despair. nothing, really. being and doing. my frustration comes from trying to get somewhere even though i'm already at the center that i'm trying so hard to reach. i might as well acknowledge it and let it go, stop being so stubborn. for i can be in doubt without having doubts. there's a difference there, and not a very subtle one either. it always amuses me to realize something i hadn't noticed before. my stubbornness almost makes me blush, though. it's like an old-fashioned magic trick that's charming but not really magical anymore. it's almost embarrassing to fall for it, time and again. smile anyway, because it no longer matters.

and i feel so confused today. i don't know where to go from here. i don't even know if direction is the right thing to seek. for in choosing a path, would i not be abandoning other paths. perhaps that would only mislead me.

i'm not at all ready. though the things that i realize seem huge whenever i happen upon them, every time i look back, i see that i'm always at some beginning only. always starting out without ever reaching an end. and that's all right. that is as it is.

and i am as i am. but i don't know what to do with myself. am i truly to do nothing. i don't know. people seem so certain. they have passion and conviction, desire. they want to do things, even if many of them have great problems with being motivated. but to me that lack of motivation is a sign of something. something important. and still they follow their desire to do something, and continue to struggle. i don't truly understand.

sometimes i'm filled with dread when i think about this. i can feel myself spinning further away, even as i sink deeper into the world. i have no passion, no conviction, no desire left in me. i feel like i should do something, but only because that's what people do; we do something. sometimes i wish i could just believe what i'm told. but i don't, and i can't, and i still wish that i could and would. but yeah, i don't really wish for it either. the old "i wish that i wish that i wished..." an endless chain of wishing for wishing. and because the chain never ends, the wish is never made.

if i direct my light towards something, am i not leaving something else without.
oh it doesn't matter at all. does it?