the night feels huge and i feel tiny. not up to saying anything to anybody, just ramble by myself.
why am i so often the last to notice my own mistakes. why am i often so blind to my mistakes even when they've been pointed out to me for a long time. by the time i do see, it's too late. not too late for me to learn, never that, but too late to share the joy of learning, too late to share the fruits of it.
and i sit at my keyboard, staring at the blank screen, watch the cursor winking at me, endlessly. so i sit here and wait for words that would save my soul and set me free from these burning desires and hatred or discontentment that im feeling but nothing like that comes. just words that are used up, and words that are useless, and words that i don't even bother to save.
i just want everybody back, anybody actually. i know i shouldn't want such things. and i know that what i know is not always what i am. but i want. want. want.
my mistakes would be regrets if i thought that they'd be more useful that way. but no, just do differently the next time. maybe i'll trust instead of fearing. maybe i can tell the difference now, after all this time. and maybe, knowing the difference will make a difference, some day.
i still dream of moving across the continent, owning a house with a nice kitchen, a great entertainment set with a nice couch. someone said, maybe i should get away from some people but i think i should get away from myself. i can never be myself when im stuck here in this stinky awful place. i can never be contended. i get pass everyday promising myself better days in a foreign land soon. i dont thrive here. im shallow this way.
dizzy with the need to sleep, dizzy with the desire to stay awake. but i'll go to bed and turn off the light. write tomorrow, write in the morning. i just cant even begin to describe this scorching need to be with someone now, too ashamed to even type it down. im hopeless yet hopeful.
i come along just because im lazy.
i go along to be with you.
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