this morning i have been missing you so much that it feels a lil empty in my tiny flawed heart.
it feels strange that i did not see you on a friday evening and will not too, throughout a saturday. but, it's okay, you'll be back home soon and everything's gonna be alright again in this world just like how you always said to me.
so for now, i shall wait, wait for you to come home.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
happy birthday, my love
many happy returns, together.
i'll be moping around as long as you let me. (make that, even when you won't let me.)
i love you.
i'll be moping around as long as you let me. (make that, even when you won't let me.)
i love you.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
after japan hours
japan is over.
and it has left me missing us, missing the long quiet walks through undiscovered uber cool suburbs, missing getting lost in the big neon-ed up city, missing ordering and eating at the standing sushi bars, missing waking up to you, missing the coldness on the nape of my neck, missing your hand in my pocket, missing the close proximity of you, missing the ridiculous fights and quick recoveries, missing the excitement, missing the in-between sighs while looking at our hotel rooms, missing the adventures, missing being with you 24/7.
it makes my nose a little sour just thinking of that.
still remembering how it felt when we touched down and you had me do a temperature check outside. now, that, was golden. i miss, and i miss autumn. it's a moment i will not forget.
all i'm gonna do now is to look forward to another episode of our little adventures.
baby, we are gonna rock the world together. :)
and it has left me missing us, missing the long quiet walks through undiscovered uber cool suburbs, missing getting lost in the big neon-ed up city, missing ordering and eating at the standing sushi bars, missing waking up to you, missing the coldness on the nape of my neck, missing your hand in my pocket, missing the close proximity of you, missing the ridiculous fights and quick recoveries, missing the excitement, missing the in-between sighs while looking at our hotel rooms, missing the adventures, missing being with you 24/7.
it makes my nose a little sour just thinking of that.
still remembering how it felt when we touched down and you had me do a temperature check outside. now, that, was golden. i miss, and i miss autumn. it's a moment i will not forget.
all i'm gonna do now is to look forward to another episode of our little adventures.
baby, we are gonna rock the world together. :)
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
so wake up, and smell the scent on your skin
this afternoon was made up of a bit of tears, some anxiety, a dash of guilt, an envelope of uncertainty, visuals of raindrops, small and big hitting against the window as well as strange reminiscing of lazy school days between 3-4.
funny, why do i/we have to grow up even when i/we am/are absolutely not feeling it.
journey on. journey on.
journey.
on.
funny, why do i/we have to grow up even when i/we am/are absolutely not feeling it.
journey on. journey on.
journey.
on.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
how it might have been
the more i think about what has transpired, the more i want to dig into it, hold it, bite it and then spit it.
someone once said to me, "you're like the party pooper, why do you have to be this way?" i don't have the answer really but then again, perhaps i do. if i think hard enough, i probably could attribute my party pooperism nature to one of my greatest fears which is the fear of not being accepted.
acceptance by my family, by a friend, by a colleague, by anyone that comes into contact with me. the fear gets a little overwhelming at times and it blinds me. any immediate sign of disagreement sets me off in a defense mode. almost too immediately.
what can i say.
maybe Freud could share some thoughts.
perhaps.
it's late now and i must therefore, go.
someone once said to me, "you're like the party pooper, why do you have to be this way?" i don't have the answer really but then again, perhaps i do. if i think hard enough, i probably could attribute my party pooperism nature to one of my greatest fears which is the fear of not being accepted.
acceptance by my family, by a friend, by a colleague, by anyone that comes into contact with me. the fear gets a little overwhelming at times and it blinds me. any immediate sign of disagreement sets me off in a defense mode. almost too immediately.
what can i say.
maybe Freud could share some thoughts.
perhaps.
it's late now and i must therefore, go.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
a lot of happiness and a small pinch of otherwise
yesterday was a good day with a pleasant surprise, two delicious sandwiches, a nice day out with the greens surrounding us and the warmth of the sun on our skin.
there was no rush in getting work done, on a friday nor a sense of loss in the company of people that are of little to no importance.
in its place, instead, we had quiet moments, three snores, plentiful of laughs, a few tears and a lot of love.
wouldn't want to trade anything for that.
and now, if only, i could rid myself of that very small pinch of otherwise i'm feeling towards the many people whom i once thought was something but really is nothing. really. it wasn't easy to open up and be friends. but i suppose, human nature is unpredictable. it is. and while i cannot go with the flow, i can't go against it.
so really.
moving on, to becoming a better person for myself and for once, for you, for you, for you and you.
goodbye to those who ain't worth the trouble, nor the small talks.
you were never anyone, anyways.
there was no rush in getting work done, on a friday nor a sense of loss in the company of people that are of little to no importance.
in its place, instead, we had quiet moments, three snores, plentiful of laughs, a few tears and a lot of love.
wouldn't want to trade anything for that.
and now, if only, i could rid myself of that very small pinch of otherwise i'm feeling towards the many people whom i once thought was something but really is nothing. really. it wasn't easy to open up and be friends. but i suppose, human nature is unpredictable. it is. and while i cannot go with the flow, i can't go against it.
so really.
moving on, to becoming a better person for myself and for once, for you, for you, for you and you.
goodbye to those who ain't worth the trouble, nor the small talks.
you were never anyone, anyways.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
... and i'm awake
this morning i wrote and then i stopped as i was getting too preoccupied by a mixture of the notes of miles davis' trumpet and how the rain sounded as it splashed against the tarmac.
almost like a noise in an empty vessel except that there was no empty vessel and it was more than a noise.
and before i could process the feeling i was experiencing, the fear of missing a meeting took over me and i proceeded to shower. and that was hard. because i was not ready to face the world.
like any other morning.
it did me good though, these showers, once the knob's turned and the first touch of cold water on my skin, it felt better, momentarily, and then i scrub my way into wanting the day to be fabulous, it works sometime and doesn't on others.
there's really no point in this except that certain mornings my longing for closeness scares me. and this morning in particularly, i miss pei. i really do.
and i sort of understand how it must be like for you to not want to move, because you will end up missing all your friends. like how i miss pei, v and many others who have long decided that the grass is greener and the moon is rounder elsewhere.
but.
nonetheless.
still wanting to be carefree. still thinking of those strange arts days. still thinking of those people.
and this sense of longing for closeness, continues, into this very evening.
now.
almost like a noise in an empty vessel except that there was no empty vessel and it was more than a noise.
and before i could process the feeling i was experiencing, the fear of missing a meeting took over me and i proceeded to shower. and that was hard. because i was not ready to face the world.
like any other morning.
it did me good though, these showers, once the knob's turned and the first touch of cold water on my skin, it felt better, momentarily, and then i scrub my way into wanting the day to be fabulous, it works sometime and doesn't on others.
there's really no point in this except that certain mornings my longing for closeness scares me. and this morning in particularly, i miss pei. i really do.
and i sort of understand how it must be like for you to not want to move, because you will end up missing all your friends. like how i miss pei, v and many others who have long decided that the grass is greener and the moon is rounder elsewhere.
but.
nonetheless.
still wanting to be carefree. still thinking of those strange arts days. still thinking of those people.
and this sense of longing for closeness, continues, into this very evening.
now.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
learnings from the many experiences
no.
didn't happen.
it is important to condition oneself (myself) to take disappointments and failures easier and more lightly.
didn't happen.
it is important to condition oneself (myself) to take disappointments and failures easier and more lightly.
it will be a great day
because, we are going for brunch later.
not that brunch is important but more so, we could have some quality time together before the dreary work week starts all over again. the only good thing about weekend is spending time with you. not so much yesterday but, surely today will make it all up, despite the grey skies and rain and all.
can't wait to be breathing at the same pace with you.
*rubs hand in glee.
not that brunch is important but more so, we could have some quality time together before the dreary work week starts all over again. the only good thing about weekend is spending time with you. not so much yesterday but, surely today will make it all up, despite the grey skies and rain and all.
can't wait to be breathing at the same pace with you.
*rubs hand in glee.
Friday, June 13, 2008
a little something and a whole lot of nothing
last night was the degree show and while very excited to see the works of emerging artists, i was apprehensive about going.
mainly the nostalgia. i was worried i'd be hit in the face.
and it did.
as i walked on the grounds, i thought about the fun i used to have working at this place and the people, and the buzz of feeling simply quite alive, and the convenience of being so in touch with the happenings in the arts scene. this is the place to be, the warm bed for budding artists, creative exchanges, unexpected surprises.
the place i want/ed to be. but now, i'm merely, a visitor, walking slightly shyly, seeing people whom i used to work with, half wishing those that matter slightly would not see me as an ex colleague but someone more than that.
and i saw people whom i felt weren't fit to be in this place, breathing that special air, pretending to be the person they are not. it made me feel like a child, all ready to throw a tantrum and a fit. but, i didn't. instead, i walked past these very people, (two actually) with no polite hellos, no nodding of head, no acknowledgment. and momentarily, it was okay once again. because they do not exist.
there were many realisations last night and i'd have to try to remember.
there will always be people whom place you at the bottom of the their friends chart and you'll have to accept that and take whatever they say to you at face value. there will always be the pretentious fucks thriving around and you'll learn to embrace them because it makes life easier.
it's okay to look back sometimes but i'm somewhat glad i'm where i am now. between moments of walking around, looking at works and speaking with people, it dawned on me that, maybe it's better that i'm over this. the scene will most likely be always quite the same. everything changes and yet, nothing ever does. i miss my friends, i do and good conversations can happen everywhere with 1.20sgd green tea and not limited to places that sell 7.oosgd juices.
and surely, the most heartening realisation would be, there will always be free food at openings, do not eat your dinner prior.
mainly the nostalgia. i was worried i'd be hit in the face.
and it did.
as i walked on the grounds, i thought about the fun i used to have working at this place and the people, and the buzz of feeling simply quite alive, and the convenience of being so in touch with the happenings in the arts scene. this is the place to be, the warm bed for budding artists, creative exchanges, unexpected surprises.
the place i want/ed to be. but now, i'm merely, a visitor, walking slightly shyly, seeing people whom i used to work with, half wishing those that matter slightly would not see me as an ex colleague but someone more than that.
and i saw people whom i felt weren't fit to be in this place, breathing that special air, pretending to be the person they are not. it made me feel like a child, all ready to throw a tantrum and a fit. but, i didn't. instead, i walked past these very people, (two actually) with no polite hellos, no nodding of head, no acknowledgment. and momentarily, it was okay once again. because they do not exist.
there were many realisations last night and i'd have to try to remember.
there will always be people whom place you at the bottom of the their friends chart and you'll have to accept that and take whatever they say to you at face value. there will always be the pretentious fucks thriving around and you'll learn to embrace them because it makes life easier.
it's okay to look back sometimes but i'm somewhat glad i'm where i am now. between moments of walking around, looking at works and speaking with people, it dawned on me that, maybe it's better that i'm over this. the scene will most likely be always quite the same. everything changes and yet, nothing ever does. i miss my friends, i do and good conversations can happen everywhere with 1.20sgd green tea and not limited to places that sell 7.oosgd juices.
and surely, the most heartening realisation would be, there will always be free food at openings, do not eat your dinner prior.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
the space between
woke up this morning being more alone than i ever have been.
because.
because.
because.
be fine my heart.
be.
fine.
for that one time in the car, that, was a feel good moment, and therefore, i will not ask of anyone again.
because.
because.
because.
be fine my heart.
be.
fine.
for that one time in the car, that, was a feel good moment, and therefore, i will not ask of anyone again.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
the path not taken
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
- i carry your heart- e.e. cummings
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
- i carry your heart- e.e. cummings
Sunday, June 8, 2008
everything in its right place
today feels like i'm stuck in a time warp.
i woke up to friends calling me on my phone, old friends.
one asking for help, one asking how i've been. and i woke up, feeling the need to seek love, so i dialed the number. and found love. after which, i sat and quietened down, without my glasses, i wrote to people whom i care about, updating them of my life. it was one long email and one short note to let them know i miss them. i wrote, and i wrote.
my parents came home with a packet of vegetarian beehoon. i ate and watched taiwanese variety show on channel 8, like how sundays should be. and my niece on the other seat, all sprawled out, concentrating, occasionally letting out chuckles. except that i didn't use to have a niece, i thought. and the phone rang, my mother's phone. someone was talking loudly. my mother was visibly annoyed. it was my sister in law asking for tortoise feed and otah. random. my mother frowned and hung up.
and i'm back in my room, listening to radiohead thinking about how i was once a teenager, loving radiohead and all the misery their songs would bring me because i thought i could identify. maybe nothing has changed. i'm still the same old me, pacing up and down but not moving ahead. but it is, not true of course. i guess your heart and mind could play tricks on you.
so, yes radiohead and today i am 17, perhaps 18. thinking i have no fears but misery.
what do i know. because the truth is, i'm not miserable, at all. but right now, at this instance, i'm 17, perhaps 18, thinking i have no fears but, misery.
don't leave me high.
don't leave me dry.
strange, it is.
i woke up to friends calling me on my phone, old friends.
one asking for help, one asking how i've been. and i woke up, feeling the need to seek love, so i dialed the number. and found love. after which, i sat and quietened down, without my glasses, i wrote to people whom i care about, updating them of my life. it was one long email and one short note to let them know i miss them. i wrote, and i wrote.
my parents came home with a packet of vegetarian beehoon. i ate and watched taiwanese variety show on channel 8, like how sundays should be. and my niece on the other seat, all sprawled out, concentrating, occasionally letting out chuckles. except that i didn't use to have a niece, i thought. and the phone rang, my mother's phone. someone was talking loudly. my mother was visibly annoyed. it was my sister in law asking for tortoise feed and otah. random. my mother frowned and hung up.
and i'm back in my room, listening to radiohead thinking about how i was once a teenager, loving radiohead and all the misery their songs would bring me because i thought i could identify. maybe nothing has changed. i'm still the same old me, pacing up and down but not moving ahead. but it is, not true of course. i guess your heart and mind could play tricks on you.
so, yes radiohead and today i am 17, perhaps 18. thinking i have no fears but misery.
what do i know. because the truth is, i'm not miserable, at all. but right now, at this instance, i'm 17, perhaps 18, thinking i have no fears but, misery.
don't leave me high.
don't leave me dry.
strange, it is.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
feel good lost
it's gloomy out there.
it is.
and i'm missing the sun even tho' the humidity gets to me.
been thinking quite abit about being contented. used to have discussions with mister F. on whether contentment is acceptable, okay or.
and strangely to say, while i used to hate contentment, on some days these days, i'm actually finding it okay and bearable, to be. to be contented. i'm not exactly sure what marks the change but i suppose age mellows one down. and it could very much be the case for me. so, whilst i can't say i'm contented because i know, deep inside me, i still yearn for something which i don't already have but suffice to say, i do enjoy my days better now. a little bit more of pocket money to spend on things i love but don't necessarily need, a little bit more of a capacity to show love and gratitude for people whom i care for and a whole lot of love waiting for me, everyday. what's more is there to want and yearn. but the truth is.
i can't stop yearning. for bluer skies, roads that never ends. strip malls that are trashily fun. the exhilaration of being a stranger, a tourist everyday. walks in real fantastic parks with leaves changing colors. the first taste of snow, the first whiff of spring. the rush, the serenity, the many things that constitutes life. you know, really, just things that ain't here. while i'm sure another place, another set of problems, but it sometimes kills me to know i don't even have a chance at that set of problems. but no, not giving up anytime soon. still yearning, still pining. still hoping.
and this is exactly the reason why, i'm scared to find myself being contented because, i don't ever want to stop yearning, pining and hoping for the grander things in life. i don't.
and, still not capturing moments.
thanks for reminding me, you, that i've not been doing what i love.
perhaps, in october, i will.
i want to, really.
it is.
and i'm missing the sun even tho' the humidity gets to me.
been thinking quite abit about being contented. used to have discussions with mister F. on whether contentment is acceptable, okay or.
and strangely to say, while i used to hate contentment, on some days these days, i'm actually finding it okay and bearable, to be. to be contented. i'm not exactly sure what marks the change but i suppose age mellows one down. and it could very much be the case for me. so, whilst i can't say i'm contented because i know, deep inside me, i still yearn for something which i don't already have but suffice to say, i do enjoy my days better now. a little bit more of pocket money to spend on things i love but don't necessarily need, a little bit more of a capacity to show love and gratitude for people whom i care for and a whole lot of love waiting for me, everyday. what's more is there to want and yearn. but the truth is.
i can't stop yearning. for bluer skies, roads that never ends. strip malls that are trashily fun. the exhilaration of being a stranger, a tourist everyday. walks in real fantastic parks with leaves changing colors. the first taste of snow, the first whiff of spring. the rush, the serenity, the many things that constitutes life. you know, really, just things that ain't here. while i'm sure another place, another set of problems, but it sometimes kills me to know i don't even have a chance at that set of problems. but no, not giving up anytime soon. still yearning, still pining. still hoping.
and this is exactly the reason why, i'm scared to find myself being contented because, i don't ever want to stop yearning, pining and hoping for the grander things in life. i don't.
and, still not capturing moments.
thanks for reminding me, you, that i've not been doing what i love.
perhaps, in october, i will.
i want to, really.
Friday, May 9, 2008
a lack of colors
friday morning just before going to work, in shabby home teeshirt still, i feel like almost half-drowning. in the sea of unknown and work. it's exhilarating, it's scary, it's making me want to wave the white flag and yet it's making me want to beat the bad guys and kick them in the faces. if i were to tell my parents how stressed i am, they will shrug it off and surely to say something which won't even make it past my eardrums.
but remembering eng's experience with her father is good enough a reminder to myself.
the key to success is, do not be weak.
tho i'm sure he did not guarantee success. but it can't be the gateway to failure, now, can it?
so, bottom line is, do not be weak.
even if what i yearn to do now is definitely not changing out of my shabby home teeshirt and preparing to go to work. ideally, it'd be to sleep in, wake up at whenever i want to and spend the beautiful day with eng.
then again, a few hours more to saturday, the day to live high. and perhaps, mighty.
and so here we go now.. into the realm of responsibilities.
*poof!
but remembering eng's experience with her father is good enough a reminder to myself.
the key to success is, do not be weak.
tho i'm sure he did not guarantee success. but it can't be the gateway to failure, now, can it?
so, bottom line is, do not be weak.
even if what i yearn to do now is definitely not changing out of my shabby home teeshirt and preparing to go to work. ideally, it'd be to sleep in, wake up at whenever i want to and spend the beautiful day with eng.
then again, a few hours more to saturday, the day to live high. and perhaps, mighty.
and so here we go now.. into the realm of responsibilities.
*poof!
Friday, April 18, 2008
seeing the bigger and sometimes, smaller pictures
sometimes i forget the goodness that is us.
and when i do let it slip me by, so very rarely, you're always there to remind me.
these days, i have a new job which i am still getting used to, while you are getting more and more accustomed to and inspired at yours. the thought of you lightens up an otherwise heavy day and knowing that at the end of it all, you are always there, for me, makes breathing easier. it does. i love how you embrace me, figuratively and literally. always kind, always encouraging, always believing in whatever capability that's within me, never once doubting what i can do or, i can't do. i look forward to weekends where we spend an obscene amount of time together, exploring new and revisiting old places, having time out alone, or with friends, sitting around, talking and sometimes, not. and more recently, getting lost together in your spiffy new cute ride. it is therapeutic that way, having you behind the wheels and me, sitting next to you, going nowhere, going circles, reaching somewhere . sometimes listening to your unconscious stream of outbursts directed at fellow road users, singing along to familiar tunes, or really just savoring the silence that is between us. it's an indescribable feeling, that emotion of being touched by the most inane thing, the brush of your hand against mine when we stop at the traffic light.
today i had lunch with one of your closest friends and i'm humbled by the questions she asked and as i reflected and responded, i'm once again, reminded of your goodness, your stability, your grounded-ness, and most importantly your faith in us. i can't afford to take all these for granted. i have never experienced these qualities from ex partners in previous relationships and this to me, is a first. i can't thank you enough for that.
we talked about visiting melbourne, just the two of us or with your friends. a city so close to your heart.
i'm not sure if i could ever articulate how important it is to me. to walk the grounds of this city with you, seeing what you saw, tasting the food that filled your hunger, breathing in the air that once liberated you, sharing your favorite spaces and making them mine too, and quite possibly, missing the city that you miss so very often, subsequently after the visit. i'd probably never feel the same amount of love you have for it, but, i want to be able to experience it, to have my heart filled with love for the same city you so adore. i do.
money-full days might seem a little far now, but if we try just a little bit harder, we will get there. the very thought of rolling over and having you within reach when i wake up in the morning is alluring and something i look forward to materialising.
i may not be able to promise an eternity which sounds rather tacky but hey, i do want to promise a whole bunch of todays and tomorrows, if you'd let me.
we will grow old and be dysfunctional together.
that'd be fun. i think.
and when i do let it slip me by, so very rarely, you're always there to remind me.
these days, i have a new job which i am still getting used to, while you are getting more and more accustomed to and inspired at yours. the thought of you lightens up an otherwise heavy day and knowing that at the end of it all, you are always there, for me, makes breathing easier. it does. i love how you embrace me, figuratively and literally. always kind, always encouraging, always believing in whatever capability that's within me, never once doubting what i can do or, i can't do. i look forward to weekends where we spend an obscene amount of time together, exploring new and revisiting old places, having time out alone, or with friends, sitting around, talking and sometimes, not. and more recently, getting lost together in your spiffy new cute ride. it is therapeutic that way, having you behind the wheels and me, sitting next to you, going nowhere, going circles, reaching somewhere . sometimes listening to your unconscious stream of outbursts directed at fellow road users, singing along to familiar tunes, or really just savoring the silence that is between us. it's an indescribable feeling, that emotion of being touched by the most inane thing, the brush of your hand against mine when we stop at the traffic light.
today i had lunch with one of your closest friends and i'm humbled by the questions she asked and as i reflected and responded, i'm once again, reminded of your goodness, your stability, your grounded-ness, and most importantly your faith in us. i can't afford to take all these for granted. i have never experienced these qualities from ex partners in previous relationships and this to me, is a first. i can't thank you enough for that.
we talked about visiting melbourne, just the two of us or with your friends. a city so close to your heart.
i'm not sure if i could ever articulate how important it is to me. to walk the grounds of this city with you, seeing what you saw, tasting the food that filled your hunger, breathing in the air that once liberated you, sharing your favorite spaces and making them mine too, and quite possibly, missing the city that you miss so very often, subsequently after the visit. i'd probably never feel the same amount of love you have for it, but, i want to be able to experience it, to have my heart filled with love for the same city you so adore. i do.
money-full days might seem a little far now, but if we try just a little bit harder, we will get there. the very thought of rolling over and having you within reach when i wake up in the morning is alluring and something i look forward to materialising.
i may not be able to promise an eternity which sounds rather tacky but hey, i do want to promise a whole bunch of todays and tomorrows, if you'd let me.
we will grow old and be dysfunctional together.
that'd be fun. i think.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
beck sang this
lazy sun
your eyes catch the light
with promises that might
come true for a while
oh i'll ride
farther than i should
harder than i could
just to meet you there
and then it hurts just a little.
your eyes catch the light
with promises that might
come true for a while
oh i'll ride
farther than i should
harder than i could
just to meet you there
and then it hurts just a little.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
fear of drowning
things have changed within 7 days.
a week.
168 hours.
things have changed.
i don't know if i am ever ready but as much as i wanted to be that very cover girl for something i believe in so ever strongly, i think i have failed. because, i have chosen to stuff my pockets with dollar bills instead.
shame, shame, shame.
i am amazed and remain humbled by the extent of people's kindness and niceness. and i shall not forget because i want to be just like that, if ever given a chance. to be supportive, encouraging, forgiving and even empathetic. not sympathetic. but, empathetic. they probably will never find out, but it impacted me in ways i can't exactly describe. that very kindness and niceness. and i don't ever want to forget.
oh little simple things.
and yes.
you know it's time that we grow old and do some shit.
i just don't know if i am ever ready.
that's really all, it is.
really.
a week.
168 hours.
things have changed.
i don't know if i am ever ready but as much as i wanted to be that very cover girl for something i believe in so ever strongly, i think i have failed. because, i have chosen to stuff my pockets with dollar bills instead.
shame, shame, shame.
i am amazed and remain humbled by the extent of people's kindness and niceness. and i shall not forget because i want to be just like that, if ever given a chance. to be supportive, encouraging, forgiving and even empathetic. not sympathetic. but, empathetic. they probably will never find out, but it impacted me in ways i can't exactly describe. that very kindness and niceness. and i don't ever want to forget.
oh little simple things.
and yes.
you know it's time that we grow old and do some shit.
i just don't know if i am ever ready.
that's really all, it is.
really.
Monday, March 24, 2008
because you asked, so, why not.
guanyin is da bomb.
really, truly.
i've heard the good news on the 19th and finally signed on the dotted line (not so dotted, it was a solid line, but dotted line would be more impactful, wouldn't it be?) this morning. it's nice and comforting to know that i'm now gainfully employed and will start re-becoming a useful person contributing to the society once again come the 31st. i'm excited and honestly am already forming all these grand ideas on how to excel at work. i want this to work out, because as silly and sappy it might sound, i do sincerely believe in the arts, how it may transform a society for the better if used appropriately.
besides, having secured a job now, it can only mean one thing.
happy and better days are coming. it's been a series of downs and some ups for the past two months or so during the job hunting journey. fuse was short and temper was quick. eng has been nothing but supportive and loving. she didn't have to put up with my random outbursts of negativities but she did. she didn't have to be on the other side of the phone hearing me cry over and over again over the same problems, but, she did.
i'm not sure how in the world do i deserve a person like her. but i'm glad that she is here to stay through the seasons of downpour and sunshine. this' a great feeling. it really is.
so thank you to you. you're a gem jam gaps!
sigh a great sigh.
onwards, we go.
really, truly.
i've heard the good news on the 19th and finally signed on the dotted line (not so dotted, it was a solid line, but dotted line would be more impactful, wouldn't it be?) this morning. it's nice and comforting to know that i'm now gainfully employed and will start re-becoming a useful person contributing to the society once again come the 31st. i'm excited and honestly am already forming all these grand ideas on how to excel at work. i want this to work out, because as silly and sappy it might sound, i do sincerely believe in the arts, how it may transform a society for the better if used appropriately.
besides, having secured a job now, it can only mean one thing.
happy and better days are coming. it's been a series of downs and some ups for the past two months or so during the job hunting journey. fuse was short and temper was quick. eng has been nothing but supportive and loving. she didn't have to put up with my random outbursts of negativities but she did. she didn't have to be on the other side of the phone hearing me cry over and over again over the same problems, but, she did.
i'm not sure how in the world do i deserve a person like her. but i'm glad that she is here to stay through the seasons of downpour and sunshine. this' a great feeling. it really is.
so thank you to you. you're a gem jam gaps!
onwards, we go.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
you ought to know
how much i detest the idea of non-arts people working in an arts organisation.
or, rather, pseudo arts people working in an arts organisation.
it irks me to no end.
okay, bye.
or, rather, pseudo arts people working in an arts organisation.
it irks me to no end.
okay, bye.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
the truth is
i am feeling helpless and almost useless.
as much as i know i will be gainfully employed someday, i can't help but to wonder, when is that day. all these idle time render me breathless, in a no-good way.
heavy heart.
as much as i know i will be gainfully employed someday, i can't help but to wonder, when is that day. all these idle time render me breathless, in a no-good way.
heavy heart.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
elephant temperament
there was a moment tonight, when i was looking up at the ceiling while attempting to sleep that i felt true disgust for myself.
not at all pleasant.
i felt my face twitching, and a flat tension cutting my head in two. the sentences that i was putting together kept on overtaking each other, running over each other, overlapping, unscrambling one another, words escaping from and chasing words. the dialog was quiet but quarrelsome, nothing was being truly said because everything was always interrupted. a vast doubt would cut off any thought with a new one, after only a third of the old one had been heard, then only a quarter, and then even less, so that soon there was only a running cacophony left.
that's when i realised that i simply needed to choose. i think the realisation itself was a choice made, for with the occurence of the realisation, i found out why it was that i needed to choose. i needed to choose because otherwise i'd believe that i've gone mad and would most likely either kill myself or devote myself to jesus. neither of which appeals to me.
and so i chose.
sometimes dark tides rise within me. and i'm not about to drown.
that, tonight, is completely obvious. moon and sun on the tongue, still.
insomnia does that to you.
not at all pleasant.
i felt my face twitching, and a flat tension cutting my head in two. the sentences that i was putting together kept on overtaking each other, running over each other, overlapping, unscrambling one another, words escaping from and chasing words. the dialog was quiet but quarrelsome, nothing was being truly said because everything was always interrupted. a vast doubt would cut off any thought with a new one, after only a third of the old one had been heard, then only a quarter, and then even less, so that soon there was only a running cacophony left.
that's when i realised that i simply needed to choose. i think the realisation itself was a choice made, for with the occurence of the realisation, i found out why it was that i needed to choose. i needed to choose because otherwise i'd believe that i've gone mad and would most likely either kill myself or devote myself to jesus. neither of which appeals to me.
and so i chose.
sometimes dark tides rise within me. and i'm not about to drown.
that, tonight, is completely obvious. moon and sun on the tongue, still.
insomnia does that to you.
the 100th post
i read something on the postsecret community board that made me pause. it was like a mirror. something was shown - past joys, past errors, past foolishness - and having seen it, a part of me wants to say, "i'm really sorry." but then, just now that strikes me as something that is said at the end... and i see no end, only a lot of miles to go, as usual. maybe it's practicality that asks if i really want to make them heavy... and whatever it is that answers "not at all" gets the thumbs up today. quietly thinking about expectations, the weekend that just passed, a meal enjoyed, appreciating what's freely given and freely received. respect what you find worth respecting. occasionally it's something that was disrespected, once. and feel free to be, because you are. those who love you, love you for you, even though it might sometimes take them a while to see that. living turns us all into fools like that sometimes. it's just part of the wonder.
on a break i thought about freedom from ideas. a curious time. sometimes i'd like to wipe myself away from all human memory. not disappear from the lives of people, only from their memory. i don't keep that wish beyond the moment right before it disappears. it's unnecessary. without wishing at all, it can already happen.
on a break i also thought: "watch out for the shit." it struck me as a good line, and i don't know or care why.
some things are a bit rough right now, but not really. i just get into the habit of considering stuff as difficult. it's a persistent habit. i break it by believing something else. and then i see why it is that things seem difficult, and seeing things changes them. and then the way is on again. it plays like sound.
sometimes i rebel against the fleetingness of it all. a part of me wants to sit on the stones that were cut and climb the trees that were felled. a part of me really wants the impossible. and the rest of me tends to accept the possible and find ____ therein.
not exactly thinking about feelings, but aware, grateful. i don't mind shedding a few tears in the bed, unclenched, or skipping a little to the music when walking to the bus stop tomorrow morning.
now, i just want to taste the good and drink the water.
on a break i thought about freedom from ideas. a curious time. sometimes i'd like to wipe myself away from all human memory. not disappear from the lives of people, only from their memory. i don't keep that wish beyond the moment right before it disappears. it's unnecessary. without wishing at all, it can already happen.
on a break i also thought: "watch out for the shit." it struck me as a good line, and i don't know or care why.
some things are a bit rough right now, but not really. i just get into the habit of considering stuff as difficult. it's a persistent habit. i break it by believing something else. and then i see why it is that things seem difficult, and seeing things changes them. and then the way is on again. it plays like sound.
sometimes i rebel against the fleetingness of it all. a part of me wants to sit on the stones that were cut and climb the trees that were felled. a part of me really wants the impossible. and the rest of me tends to accept the possible and find ____ therein.
not exactly thinking about feelings, but aware, grateful. i don't mind shedding a few tears in the bed, unclenched, or skipping a little to the music when walking to the bus stop tomorrow morning.
now, i just want to taste the good and drink the water.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
harvest moon
Come a little bit closer
Hear what I have to say
Just like children sleepin
We could dream this night away.
But theres a full moon risin
Lets go dancin in the light
We know where the musics playin
Lets go out and feel the night.
Because Im still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because Im still in love with you
On this harvest moon.
When we were strangers
I watched you from afar
When we were lovers
I loved you with all my heart.
But now its gettin late
And the moon is climbin high
I want to celebrate
See it shinin in your eye.
Because Im still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because Im still in love with you
On this harvest moon.
Hear what I have to say
Just like children sleepin
We could dream this night away.
But theres a full moon risin
Lets go dancin in the light
We know where the musics playin
Lets go out and feel the night.
Because Im still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because Im still in love with you
On this harvest moon.
When we were strangers
I watched you from afar
When we were lovers
I loved you with all my heart.
But now its gettin late
And the moon is climbin high
I want to celebrate
See it shinin in your eye.
Because Im still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because Im still in love with you
On this harvest moon.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
up on the downside
pei left last night and i rediscovered how it feels like to go through a break-up. not essentially quite the same sort of break-up, but, yeah still a break-up, nonetheless.
good times, old times, new times.
and i'm just not entirely sure how this will turn out.
i'm missing her already
good times, old times, new times.
and i'm just not entirely sure how this will turn out.
i'm missing her already
Sunday, January 13, 2008
a little peace of mind
2008 started with a bang. and a slightly talked about kiss.
well, almost. for the bang part.
"that job" which i once (for most days during the month of december in 2007) envisioned myself to be excelling at, a platform, a pathway to attaining professional success and immense personal satisfaction has turned out to be, unfortunately, a scam. a trap. a downward spiral to almost nowhere. and, most piercingly, it has become "that job".
a job.
and truthfully, i'm not taking it too well. because, if anything, this makes me miss the old place even more. and walking away from that old place was never easy to begin with. and now that my decision to leave has been proven to be such a mess and quite of a joke, at least to myself, my poor poor heart just can't handle it.
the lack of a clear direction with regards to my career bothers me to such an extent that i can't think clearly and this is becoming a problem between my communication and behaviour with eng, who has been bearing the brunt of my intense grouchiness. i wish this isn't the case and i know this shouldn't be the case, especially when eng has been nothing but being totally understanding, sweet, loving and supportive. what have i done to deserve her, really.
brace up, buck up.
and wow, still breathing and waiting for 2008 to be nothing less than brilliant.
really.
really.
well, almost. for the bang part.
"that job" which i once (for most days during the month of december in 2007) envisioned myself to be excelling at, a platform, a pathway to attaining professional success and immense personal satisfaction has turned out to be, unfortunately, a scam. a trap. a downward spiral to almost nowhere. and, most piercingly, it has become "that job".
a job.
and truthfully, i'm not taking it too well. because, if anything, this makes me miss the old place even more. and walking away from that old place was never easy to begin with. and now that my decision to leave has been proven to be such a mess and quite of a joke, at least to myself, my poor poor heart just can't handle it.
the lack of a clear direction with regards to my career bothers me to such an extent that i can't think clearly and this is becoming a problem between my communication and behaviour with eng, who has been bearing the brunt of my intense grouchiness. i wish this isn't the case and i know this shouldn't be the case, especially when eng has been nothing but being totally understanding, sweet, loving and supportive. what have i done to deserve her, really.
brace up, buck up.
and wow, still breathing and waiting for 2008 to be nothing less than brilliant.
really.
really.
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