elephant temperament

there was a moment tonight, when i was looking up at the ceiling while attempting to sleep that i felt true disgust for myself.

not at all pleasant.

i felt my face twitching, and a flat tension cutting my head in two. the sentences that i was putting together kept on overtaking each other, running over each other, overlapping, unscrambling one another, words escaping from and chasing words. the dialog was quiet but quarrelsome, nothing was being truly said because everything was always interrupted. a vast doubt would cut off any thought with a new one, after only a third of the old one had been heard, then only a quarter, and then even less, so that soon there was only a running cacophony left.

that's when i realised that i simply needed to choose. i think the realisation itself was a choice made, for with the occurence of the realisation, i found out why it was that i needed to choose. i needed to choose because otherwise i'd believe that i've gone mad and would most likely either kill myself or devote myself to jesus. neither of which appeals to me.

and so i chose.

sometimes dark tides rise within me. and i'm not about to drown.
that, tonight, is completely obvious. moon and sun on the tongue, still.
insomnia does that to you.

the 100th post

i read something on the postsecret community board that made me pause. it was like a mirror. something was shown - past joys, past errors, past foolishness - and having seen it, a part of me wants to say, "i'm really sorry." but then, just now that strikes me as something that is said at the end... and i see no end, only a lot of miles to go, as usual. maybe it's practicality that asks if i really want to make them heavy... and whatever it is that answers "not at all" gets the thumbs up today. quietly thinking about expectations, the weekend that just passed, a meal enjoyed, appreciating what's freely given and freely received. respect what you find worth respecting. occasionally it's something that was disrespected, once. and feel free to be, because you are. those who love you, love you for you, even though it might sometimes take them a while to see that. living turns us all into fools like that sometimes. it's just part of the wonder.

on a break i thought about freedom from ideas. a curious time. sometimes i'd like to wipe myself away from all human memory. not disappear from the lives of people, only from their memory. i don't keep that wish beyond the moment right before it disappears. it's unnecessary. without wishing at all, it can already happen.

on a break i also thought: "watch out for the shit." it struck me as a good line, and i don't know or care why.

some things are a bit rough right now, but not really. i just get into the habit of considering stuff as difficult. it's a persistent habit. i break it by believing something else. and then i see why it is that things seem difficult, and seeing things changes them. and then the way is on again. it plays like sound.

sometimes i rebel against the fleetingness of it all. a part of me wants to sit on the stones that were cut and climb the trees that were felled. a part of me really wants the impossible. and the rest of me tends to accept the possible and find ____ therein.

not exactly thinking about feelings, but aware, grateful. i don't mind shedding a few tears in the bed, unclenched, or skipping a little to the music when walking to the bus stop tomorrow morning.

now, i just want to taste the good and drink the water.