the 100th post

i read something on the postsecret community board that made me pause. it was like a mirror. something was shown - past joys, past errors, past foolishness - and having seen it, a part of me wants to say, "i'm really sorry." but then, just now that strikes me as something that is said at the end... and i see no end, only a lot of miles to go, as usual. maybe it's practicality that asks if i really want to make them heavy... and whatever it is that answers "not at all" gets the thumbs up today. quietly thinking about expectations, the weekend that just passed, a meal enjoyed, appreciating what's freely given and freely received. respect what you find worth respecting. occasionally it's something that was disrespected, once. and feel free to be, because you are. those who love you, love you for you, even though it might sometimes take them a while to see that. living turns us all into fools like that sometimes. it's just part of the wonder.

on a break i thought about freedom from ideas. a curious time. sometimes i'd like to wipe myself away from all human memory. not disappear from the lives of people, only from their memory. i don't keep that wish beyond the moment right before it disappears. it's unnecessary. without wishing at all, it can already happen.

on a break i also thought: "watch out for the shit." it struck me as a good line, and i don't know or care why.

some things are a bit rough right now, but not really. i just get into the habit of considering stuff as difficult. it's a persistent habit. i break it by believing something else. and then i see why it is that things seem difficult, and seeing things changes them. and then the way is on again. it plays like sound.

sometimes i rebel against the fleetingness of it all. a part of me wants to sit on the stones that were cut and climb the trees that were felled. a part of me really wants the impossible. and the rest of me tends to accept the possible and find ____ therein.

not exactly thinking about feelings, but aware, grateful. i don't mind shedding a few tears in the bed, unclenched, or skipping a little to the music when walking to the bus stop tomorrow morning.

now, i just want to taste the good and drink the water.