seeing the bigger and sometimes, smaller pictures

sometimes i forget the goodness that is us.

and when i do let it slip me by, so very rarely, you're always there to remind me.

these days, i have a new job which i am still getting used to, while you are getting more and more accustomed to and inspired at yours. the thought of you lightens up an otherwise heavy day and knowing that at the end of it all, you are always there, for me, makes breathing easier. it does. i love how you embrace me, figuratively and literally. always kind, always encouraging, always believing in whatever capability that's within me, never once doubting what i can do or, i can't do. i look forward to weekends where we spend an obscene amount of time together, exploring new and revisiting old places, having time out alone, or with friends, sitting around, talking and sometimes, not. and more recently, getting lost together in your spiffy new cute ride. it is therapeutic that way, having you behind the wheels and me, sitting next to you, going nowhere, going circles, reaching somewhere . sometimes listening to your unconscious stream of outbursts directed at fellow road users, singing along to familiar tunes, or really just savoring the silence that is between us. it's an indescribable feeling, that emotion of being touched by the most inane thing, the brush of your hand against mine when we stop at the traffic light.

today i had lunch with one of your closest friends and i'm humbled by the questions she asked and as i reflected and responded, i'm once again, reminded of your goodness, your stability, your grounded-ness, and most importantly your faith in us. i can't afford to take all these for granted. i have never experienced these qualities from ex partners in previous relationships and this to me, is a first. i can't thank you enough for that.

we talked about visiting melbourne, just the two of us or with your friends. a city so close to your heart.

i'm not sure if i could ever articulate how important it is to me. to walk the grounds of this city with you, seeing what you saw, tasting the food that filled your hunger, breathing in the air that once liberated you, sharing your favorite spaces and making them mine too, and quite possibly, missing the city that you miss so very often, subsequently after the visit. i'd probably never feel the same amount of love you have for it, but, i want to be able to experience it, to have my heart filled with love for the same city you so adore. i do.

money-full days might seem a little far now, but if we try just a little bit harder, we will get there. the very thought of rolling over and having you within reach when i wake up in the morning is alluring and something i look forward to materialising.

i may not be able to promise an eternity which sounds rather tacky but hey, i do want to promise a whole bunch of todays and tomorrows, if you'd let me.

we will grow old and be dysfunctional together.
that'd be fun. i think.

beck sang this

lazy sun
your eyes catch the light
with promises that might
come true for a while
oh i'll ride
farther than i should
harder than i could
just to meet you there

and then it hurts just a little.

fear of drowning

things have changed within 7 days.
a week.
168 hours.

things have changed.

i don't know if i am ever ready but as much as i wanted to be that very cover girl for something i believe in so ever strongly, i think i have failed. because, i have chosen to stuff my pockets with dollar bills instead.

shame, shame, shame.

i am amazed and remain humbled by the extent of people's kindness and niceness. and i shall not forget because i want to be just like that, if ever given a chance. to be supportive, encouraging, forgiving and even empathetic. not sympathetic. but, empathetic. they probably will never find out, but it impacted me in ways i can't exactly describe. that very kindness and niceness. and i don't ever want to forget.

oh little simple things.

and yes.

you know it's time that we grow old and do some shit.

i just don't know if i am ever ready.
that's really all, it is.
really.