learnings from the many experiences

no.
didn't happen.

it is important to condition oneself (myself) to take disappointments and failures easier and more lightly.

it will be a great day

because, we are going for brunch later.

not that brunch is important but more so, we could have some quality time together before the dreary work week starts all over again. the only good thing about weekend is spending time with you. not so much yesterday but, surely today will make it all up, despite the grey skies and rain and all.

can't wait to be breathing at the same pace with you.
*rubs hand in glee.

a little something and a whole lot of nothing

last night was the degree show and while very excited to see the works of emerging artists, i was apprehensive about going.

mainly the nostalgia. i was worried i'd be hit in the face.
and it did.

as i walked on the grounds, i thought about the fun i used to have working at this place and the people, and the buzz of feeling simply quite alive, and the convenience of being so in touch with the happenings in the arts scene. this is the place to be, the warm bed for budding artists, creative exchanges, unexpected surprises.

the place i want/ed to be. but now, i'm merely, a visitor, walking slightly shyly, seeing people whom i used to work with, half wishing those that matter slightly would not see me as an ex colleague but someone more than that.

and i saw people whom i felt weren't fit to be in this place, breathing that special air, pretending to be the person they are not. it made me feel like a child, all ready to throw a tantrum and a fit. but, i didn't. instead, i walked past these very people, (two actually) with no polite hellos, no nodding of head, no acknowledgment. and momentarily, it was okay once again. because they do not exist.

there were many realisations last night and i'd have to try to remember.
there will always be people whom place you at the bottom of the their friends chart and you'll have to accept that and take whatever they say to you at face value. there will always be the pretentious fucks thriving around and you'll learn to embrace them because it makes life easier.
it's okay to look back sometimes but i'm somewhat glad i'm where i am now. between moments of walking around, looking at works and speaking with people, it dawned on me that, maybe it's better that i'm over this. the scene will most likely be always quite the same. everything changes and yet, nothing ever does. i miss my friends, i do and good conversations can happen everywhere with 1.20sgd green tea and not limited to places that sell 7.oosgd juices.

and surely, the most heartening realisation would be, there will always be free food at openings, do not eat your dinner prior.

the space between

woke up this morning being more alone than i ever have been.
because.
because.

because.

be fine my heart.
be.
fine.
for that one time in the car, that, was a feel good moment, and therefore, i will not ask of anyone again.

the path not taken

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

- i carry your heart- e.e. cummings

everything in its right place

today feels like i'm stuck in a time warp.

i woke up to friends calling me on my phone, old friends.
one asking for help, one asking how i've been. and i woke up, feeling the need to seek love, so i dialed the number. and found love. after which, i sat and quietened down, without my glasses, i wrote to people whom i care about, updating them of my life. it was one long email and one short note to let them know i miss them. i wrote, and i wrote.

my parents came home with a packet of vegetarian beehoon. i ate and watched taiwanese variety show on channel 8, like how sundays should be. and my niece on the other seat, all sprawled out, concentrating, occasionally letting out chuckles. except that i didn't use to have a niece, i thought. and the phone rang, my mother's phone. someone was talking loudly. my mother was visibly annoyed. it was my sister in law asking for tortoise feed and otah. random. my mother frowned and hung up.

and i'm back in my room, listening to radiohead thinking about how i was once a teenager, loving radiohead and all the misery their songs would bring me because i thought i could identify. maybe nothing has changed. i'm still the same old me, pacing up and down but not moving ahead. but it is, not true of course. i guess your heart and mind could play tricks on you.

so, yes radiohead and today i am 17, perhaps 18. thinking i have no fears but misery.

what do i know. because the truth is, i'm not miserable, at all. but right now, at this instance, i'm 17, perhaps 18, thinking i have no fears but, misery.

don't leave me high.
don't leave me dry.

strange, it is.

feel good lost

it's gloomy out there.
it is.

and i'm missing the sun even tho' the humidity gets to me.

been thinking quite abit about being contented. used to have discussions with mister F. on whether contentment is acceptable, okay or.

and strangely to say, while i used to hate contentment, on some days these days, i'm actually finding it okay and bearable, to be. to be contented. i'm not exactly sure what marks the change but i suppose age mellows one down. and it could very much be the case for me. so, whilst i can't say i'm contented because i know, deep inside me, i still yearn for something which i don't already have but suffice to say, i do enjoy my days better now. a little bit more of pocket money to spend on things i love but don't necessarily need, a little bit more of a capacity to show love and gratitude for people whom i care for and a whole lot of love waiting for me, everyday. what's more is there to want and yearn. but the truth is.

i can't stop yearning. for bluer skies, roads that never ends. strip malls that are trashily fun. the exhilaration of being a stranger, a tourist everyday. walks in real fantastic parks with leaves changing colors. the first taste of snow, the first whiff of spring. the rush, the serenity, the many things that constitutes life. you know, really, just things that ain't here. while i'm sure another place, another set of problems, but it sometimes kills me to know i don't even have a chance at that set of problems. but no, not giving up anytime soon. still yearning, still pining. still hoping.

and this is exactly the reason why, i'm scared to find myself being contented because, i don't ever want to stop yearning, pining and hoping for the grander things in life. i don't.

and, still not capturing moments.
thanks for reminding me, you, that i've not been doing what i love.
perhaps, in october, i will.

i want to, really.