feel good lost

it's gloomy out there.
it is.

and i'm missing the sun even tho' the humidity gets to me.

been thinking quite abit about being contented. used to have discussions with mister F. on whether contentment is acceptable, okay or.

and strangely to say, while i used to hate contentment, on some days these days, i'm actually finding it okay and bearable, to be. to be contented. i'm not exactly sure what marks the change but i suppose age mellows one down. and it could very much be the case for me. so, whilst i can't say i'm contented because i know, deep inside me, i still yearn for something which i don't already have but suffice to say, i do enjoy my days better now. a little bit more of pocket money to spend on things i love but don't necessarily need, a little bit more of a capacity to show love and gratitude for people whom i care for and a whole lot of love waiting for me, everyday. what's more is there to want and yearn. but the truth is.

i can't stop yearning. for bluer skies, roads that never ends. strip malls that are trashily fun. the exhilaration of being a stranger, a tourist everyday. walks in real fantastic parks with leaves changing colors. the first taste of snow, the first whiff of spring. the rush, the serenity, the many things that constitutes life. you know, really, just things that ain't here. while i'm sure another place, another set of problems, but it sometimes kills me to know i don't even have a chance at that set of problems. but no, not giving up anytime soon. still yearning, still pining. still hoping.

and this is exactly the reason why, i'm scared to find myself being contented because, i don't ever want to stop yearning, pining and hoping for the grander things in life. i don't.

and, still not capturing moments.
thanks for reminding me, you, that i've not been doing what i love.
perhaps, in october, i will.

i want to, really.