this afternoon was made up of a bit of tears, some anxiety, a dash of guilt, an envelope of uncertainty, visuals of raindrops, small and big hitting against the window as well as strange reminiscing of lazy school days between 3-4.
funny, why do i/we have to grow up even when i/we am/are absolutely not feeling it.
journey on. journey on.
journey.
on.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
how it might have been
the more i think about what has transpired, the more i want to dig into it, hold it, bite it and then spit it.
someone once said to me, "you're like the party pooper, why do you have to be this way?" i don't have the answer really but then again, perhaps i do. if i think hard enough, i probably could attribute my party pooperism nature to one of my greatest fears which is the fear of not being accepted.
acceptance by my family, by a friend, by a colleague, by anyone that comes into contact with me. the fear gets a little overwhelming at times and it blinds me. any immediate sign of disagreement sets me off in a defense mode. almost too immediately.
what can i say.
maybe Freud could share some thoughts.
perhaps.
it's late now and i must therefore, go.
someone once said to me, "you're like the party pooper, why do you have to be this way?" i don't have the answer really but then again, perhaps i do. if i think hard enough, i probably could attribute my party pooperism nature to one of my greatest fears which is the fear of not being accepted.
acceptance by my family, by a friend, by a colleague, by anyone that comes into contact with me. the fear gets a little overwhelming at times and it blinds me. any immediate sign of disagreement sets me off in a defense mode. almost too immediately.
what can i say.
maybe Freud could share some thoughts.
perhaps.
it's late now and i must therefore, go.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
a lot of happiness and a small pinch of otherwise
yesterday was a good day with a pleasant surprise, two delicious sandwiches, a nice day out with the greens surrounding us and the warmth of the sun on our skin.
there was no rush in getting work done, on a friday nor a sense of loss in the company of people that are of little to no importance.
in its place, instead, we had quiet moments, three snores, plentiful of laughs, a few tears and a lot of love.
wouldn't want to trade anything for that.
and now, if only, i could rid myself of that very small pinch of otherwise i'm feeling towards the many people whom i once thought was something but really is nothing. really. it wasn't easy to open up and be friends. but i suppose, human nature is unpredictable. it is. and while i cannot go with the flow, i can't go against it.
so really.
moving on, to becoming a better person for myself and for once, for you, for you, for you and you.
goodbye to those who ain't worth the trouble, nor the small talks.
you were never anyone, anyways.
there was no rush in getting work done, on a friday nor a sense of loss in the company of people that are of little to no importance.
in its place, instead, we had quiet moments, three snores, plentiful of laughs, a few tears and a lot of love.
wouldn't want to trade anything for that.
and now, if only, i could rid myself of that very small pinch of otherwise i'm feeling towards the many people whom i once thought was something but really is nothing. really. it wasn't easy to open up and be friends. but i suppose, human nature is unpredictable. it is. and while i cannot go with the flow, i can't go against it.
so really.
moving on, to becoming a better person for myself and for once, for you, for you, for you and you.
goodbye to those who ain't worth the trouble, nor the small talks.
you were never anyone, anyways.
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