my pictures on your bedroom walls

one for the road

2010-11-21T02:36:00.000+08:00

i've died a little tonight. at the end of the road, it's always hard to know, to acknowledge, love and i, we are never enough.

i wish we all feel this way

2010-06-13T13:30:00.002+08:00

and the nose soured...

2010-06-13T11:53:00.000+08:00

finding this morning a little hard. i'm frankly a wee bit tired.

a moment

2010-04-11T14:36:00.001+08:00

some days like today, when the going gets tough, i really wish i could just die in my sleep.
because, what for? staying alive is really very much a chore.

this will do

2010-03-08T08:45:00.001+08:00

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

177 days to 29 years of being

2010-02-18T00:56:00.002+08:00

so i have applied for leave formally during this lunar new year period.

today was the first day and i have achieved next to nothing. not even a cat nap. quite frankly, i'm always not sure what to do during these off-days. do i go all out filling my day with activities or am i allowed to be a bum and vege out? who can tell me what's the appropriate way to behave. i sort of need to know. and today, while doing nothing, i have watched several interview clips of a singapore-born american author, googled her and read 2 short stories she wrote. while i was fascinated by her naturalised american accent, i couldn't help but to think about her whole being, her entire history. did she always know that she want to write? if not, when was that moment of eureka? did she struggle being a singaporean in the land of the free and did she struggle subsequently as an american? how is she liking austin- the new city she recently moved to? is she conscious that "we" might be judging? is she a quitter? does she like being a quitter? how does it feel being an overachiever? deep down in her heart, does she feel more singaporean than american? or is it the other way round?

so many questions.

essentially, i question because it gives me better clarity.

do i like myself? am i comfortable with myself? do i like this job? do i really want to spend my days agonising over people's incompetency? if not, what can i do? can i get out of this vicious cycle? am i enjoying myself? is it too late for a change in career? when can i leave? where will i be in the next 3 years? do i need a hair cut?

but what's the point of it all seriously.
so off i go, again, and again.

revisiting an old friend, someone i could become

2010-01-16T13:42:00.003+08:00

so, here we are into the 2nd week of 2010. still trying to stay afloat mondays to fridays. where did the time go? how did we keep going growing going growing so fast. feeling a little pensive as always, 2010 doesn't seem any different, feels like an overspill of 2009, 2008, 2007, 1996, 1998, 2001, really holly.

sometime this week, i went to see cat power live in esplanade. and i think i will never ever forget how magical it was that hot humid wednesday night. how can i explain it all? to see chan on stage, in this life time. i didn't think i'd ever get to do that, really. now when i think about the whole experience, to see her walking out onto the stage, her awkward antics, little sways, big smiles, it genuinely moves me beyond words. so, how can i explain it all? when i was 17, a big part of my life was in a mess. i had just came back to singapore from boston, feeling like my whole life was a big injustice. my father's business was failing and could no longer support my overseas education and i had to leave the new life i was getting accustomed to, back to the grind, back to a life i was ever so ready to leave. so i stayed home or escaped to various malls and parks most days even when i had school, staring at the walls, watching people whisking past purposefully while listening to the soft sounds of chan- whom i discovered oceans away.

and i kept going and growing . through the heartbreaks, the struggles, the ups and the downs, the days and the nights. still listening to chan. still feeling the void and wanting to quit it all. it did get better though, this funny thing that's life. and i stopped turning to chan, slowly. from time to time, it felt like a betrayal but.. whenever i miss, i know i can blow off the dust and put the cd on and everything that didn't feel right won't be fine but, it just magically didn't matter anymore.

and some days this life, it still feels hard. to embrace this happiness. i don't know if i'm innately mellow, innately sad or just innately incapable to allow myself to truly be happy. but i think i'm fine with this now, really i am, comfortable in this skin. feeling happy and humming the tune of colors and the kids. thinking of days ahead and yet always remaining mesmerized with the misty fog of the faraway places.

and on wednesday night, seeing chan marshall, even when she's not singing those songs that'd accompanied me through my mostly alone and solititude-full days, is and always will be a triumphant moment of my underachieving life.

so yes, i really still can't explain it all.

trying to keep breathing

2009-01-30T00:43:00.002+08:00

we always felt so good, together
the days just rolled on by

today i missed the big cities a lil more than usual.
especially the cold air, the i gotta stick my hands into my pockets kind. but those moments can wait i guess, till may.

been feeling somewhat pensive. more so after a chat with weber.
jacq and weber, they have lost their baby. i'm not sure how that feels really, for i have never experienced it, not that i'd like to. but, really, 27 and losing a baby. what's the deal mister someone up there?

we chatted for a long time, from the economic crisis to how we really really really don't feel our age. i remember most of the adventurous tales weber used to share with me when we were teenagers. i have always live vicariously through him. after all, he seems to have everything that i'd want and don't possess as yet. but our recent conversations, they have been nothing short of maturity and i'm not sure how i feel about them. while i appreciate that we have both grown and are now somewhat achieving better things in life, is it wrong that i'd really want my little brother back to talk shit over his mad love for the greatest love of his life whom really is a nothing but a fleeting mesmerising moment? it feels a little stabbingly sad to hear about the differences between him and his wife and how he felt like he had to conform. we are young and not quite so. the contradictions are blinding and yet awakening.

and this leaves me to ponder. what do i really want?

i doubt i can ever have a clear answer to that, but for now, am i happy? yes, i'd like to think so.
and i am grateful for this happiness which i can acknowledge and pen down about. it has never been easy for me to acknowledge happiness. in my warped mind, if i feel happy about life, that would have meant i'm contented and thus i'd eventually be complacent. but in recent times, i have often asked myself, is it wrong to be contented? why can't i be contented? i'm changing, i really am. my perspectives towards contentment and happiness are now vastly different from years back. and honest to goodness, i embrace this. it really makes living easier.

now, to keep this perspective close to heart.
onwards, we go.

some nights

2009-01-15T00:52:00.001+08:00

it gets a little harder.

and perhaps, some mornings too.

sampling solace

2008-12-27T10:06:00.002+08:00

this morning i have been missing you so much that it feels a lil empty in my tiny flawed heart.
it feels strange that i did not see you on a friday evening and will not too, throughout a saturday. but, it's okay, you'll be back home soon and everything's gonna be alright again in this world just like how you always said to me.

so for now, i shall wait, wait for you to come home.

happy birthday, my love

2008-12-08T16:58:00.004+08:00

many happy returns, together.
i'll be moping around as long as you let me. (make that, even when you won't let me.)
i love you.

after japan hours

2008-10-26T11:00:00.005+08:00

japan is over.

and it has left me missing us, missing the long quiet walks through undiscovered uber cool suburbs, missing getting lost in the big neon-ed up city, missing ordering and eating at the standing sushi bars, missing waking up to you, missing the coldness on the nape of my neck, missing your hand in my pocket, missing the close proximity of you, missing the ridiculous fights and quick recoveries, missing the excitement, missing the in-between sighs while looking at our hotel rooms, missing the adventures, missing being with you 24/7.

it makes my nose a little sour just thinking of that.

still remembering how it felt when we touched down and you had me do a temperature check outside. now, that, was golden. i miss, and i miss autumn. it's a moment i will not forget.

all i'm gonna do now is to look forward to another episode of our little adventures.

baby, we are gonna rock the world together. :)

so wake up, and smell the scent on your skin

2008-08-26T18:33:00.003+08:00

this afternoon was made up of a bit of tears, some anxiety, a dash of guilt, an envelope of uncertainty, visuals of raindrops, small and big hitting against the window as well as strange reminiscing of lazy school days between 3-4.

funny, why do i/we have to grow up even when i/we am/are absolutely not feeling it.
journey on. journey on.
journey.
on.

how it might have been

2008-08-19T01:17:00.002+08:00

the more i think about what has transpired, the more i want to dig into it, hold it, bite it and then spit it.

someone once said to me, "you're like the party pooper, why do you have to be this way?" i don't have the answer really but then again, perhaps i do. if i think hard enough, i probably could attribute my party pooperism nature to one of my greatest fears which is the fear of not being accepted.

acceptance by my family, by a friend, by a colleague, by anyone that comes into contact with me. the fear gets a little overwhelming at times and it blinds me. any immediate sign of disagreement sets me off in a defense mode. almost too immediately.

what can i say.
maybe Freud could share some thoughts.
perhaps.

it's late now and i must therefore, go.

a lot of happiness and a small pinch of otherwise

2008-08-17T02:34:00.004+08:00

yesterday was a good day with a pleasant surprise, two delicious sandwiches, a nice day out with the greens surrounding us and the warmth of the sun on our skin.

there was no rush in getting work done, on a friday nor a sense of loss in the company of people that are of little to no importance.

in its place, instead, we had quiet moments, three snores, plentiful of laughs, a few tears and a lot of love.

wouldn't want to trade anything for that.

and now, if only, i could rid myself of that very small pinch of otherwise i'm feeling towards the many people whom i once thought was something but really is nothing. really. it wasn't easy to open up and be friends. but i suppose, human nature is unpredictable. it is. and while i cannot go with the flow, i can't go against it.

so really.
moving on, to becoming a better person for myself and for once, for you, for you, for you and you.

goodbye to those who ain't worth the trouble, nor the small talks.
you were never anyone, anyways.

this is true

2008-07-15T08:26:00.003+08:00

你知道嗎聽你說話我只需要聽你說話
在你的聲音中安全的讓我害怕

... and i'm awake

2008-07-09T22:22:00.001+08:00

this morning i wrote and then i stopped as i was getting too preoccupied by a mixture of the notes of miles davis' trumpet and how the rain sounded as it splashed against the tarmac.

almost like a noise in an empty vessel except that there was no empty vessel and it was more than a noise.

and before i could process the feeling i was experiencing, the fear of missing a meeting took over me and i proceeded to shower. and that was hard. because i was not ready to face the world.

like any other morning.

it did me good though, these showers, once the knob's turned and the first touch of cold water on my skin, it felt better, momentarily, and then i scrub my way into wanting the day to be fabulous, it works sometime and doesn't on others.

there's really no point in this except that certain mornings my longing for closeness scares me. and this morning in particularly, i miss pei. i really do.

and i sort of understand how it must be like for you to not want to move, because you will end up missing all your friends. like how i miss pei, v and many others who have long decided that the grass is greener and the moon is rounder elsewhere.

but.

nonetheless.

still wanting to be carefree. still thinking of those strange arts days. still thinking of those people.

and this sense of longing for closeness, continues, into this very evening.

now.

learnings from the many experiences

2008-06-22T15:09:00.002+08:00

no.
didn't happen.

it is important to condition oneself (myself) to take disappointments and failures easier and more lightly.

it will be a great day

2008-06-22T10:35:00.002+08:00

because, we are going for brunch later.

not that brunch is important but more so, we could have some quality time together before the dreary work week starts all over again. the only good thing about weekend is spending time with you. not so much yesterday but, surely today will make it all up, despite the grey skies and rain and all.

can't wait to be breathing at the same pace with you.
*rubs hand in glee.

a little something and a whole lot of nothing

2008-06-13T08:24:00.007+08:00

last night was the degree show and while very excited to see the works of emerging artists, i was apprehensive about going.

mainly the nostalgia. i was worried i'd be hit in the face.
and it did.

as i walked on the grounds, i thought about the fun i used to have working at this place and the people, and the buzz of feeling simply quite alive, and the convenience of being so in touch with the happenings in the arts scene. this is the place to be, the warm bed for budding artists, creative exchanges, unexpected surprises.

the place i want/ed to be. but now, i'm merely, a visitor, walking slightly shyly, seeing people whom i used to work with, half wishing those that matter slightly would not see me as an ex colleague but someone more than that.

and i saw people whom i felt weren't fit to be in this place, breathing that special air, pretending to be the person they are not. it made me feel like a child, all ready to throw a tantrum and a fit. but, i didn't. instead, i walked past these very people, (two actually) with no polite hellos, no nodding of head, no acknowledgment. and momentarily, it was okay once again. because they do not exist.

there were many realisations last night and i'd have to try to remember.
there will always be people whom place you at the bottom of the their friends chart and you'll have to accept that and take whatever they say to you at face value. there will always be the pretentious fucks thriving around and you'll learn to embrace them because it makes life easier.
it's okay to look back sometimes but i'm somewhat glad i'm where i am now. between moments of walking around, looking at works and speaking with people, it dawned on me that, maybe it's better that i'm over this. the scene will most likely be always quite the same. everything changes and yet, nothing ever does. i miss my friends, i do and good conversations can happen everywhere with 1.20sgd green tea and not limited to places that sell 7.oosgd juices.

and surely, the most heartening realisation would be, there will always be free food at openings, do not eat your dinner prior.

the space between

2008-06-12T07:40:00.004+08:00

woke up this morning being more alone than i ever have been.
because.
because.

because.

be fine my heart.
be.
fine.
for that one time in the car, that, was a feel good moment, and therefore, i will not ask of anyone again.

the path not taken

2008-06-11T23:47:00.004+08:00

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

- i carry your heart- e.e. cummings

everything in its right place

2008-06-08T13:39:00.006+08:00

today feels like i'm stuck in a time warp.

i woke up to friends calling me on my phone, old friends.
one asking for help, one asking how i've been. and i woke up, feeling the need to seek love, so i dialed the number. and found love. after which, i sat and quietened down, without my glasses, i wrote to people whom i care about, updating them of my life. it was one long email and one short note to let them know i miss them. i wrote, and i wrote.

my parents came home with a packet of vegetarian beehoon. i ate and watched taiwanese variety show on channel 8, like how sundays should be. and my niece on the other seat, all sprawled out, concentrating, occasionally letting out chuckles. except that i didn't use to have a niece, i thought. and the phone rang, my mother's phone. someone was talking loudly. my mother was visibly annoyed. it was my sister in law asking for tortoise feed and otah. random. my mother frowned and hung up.

and i'm back in my room, listening to radiohead thinking about how i was once a teenager, loving radiohead and all the misery their songs would bring me because i thought i could identify. maybe nothing has changed. i'm still the same old me, pacing up and down but not moving ahead. but it is, not true of course. i guess your heart and mind could play tricks on you.

so, yes radiohead and today i am 17, perhaps 18. thinking i have no fears but misery.

what do i know. because the truth is, i'm not miserable, at all. but right now, at this instance, i'm 17, perhaps 18, thinking i have no fears but, misery.

don't leave me high.
don't leave me dry.

strange, it is.

feel good lost

2008-06-07T12:20:00.003+08:00

it's gloomy out there.
it is.

and i'm missing the sun even tho' the humidity gets to me.

been thinking quite abit about being contented. used to have discussions with mister F. on whether contentment is acceptable, okay or.

and strangely to say, while i used to hate contentment, on some days these days, i'm actually finding it okay and bearable, to be. to be contented. i'm not exactly sure what marks the change but i suppose age mellows one down. and it could very much be the case for me. so, whilst i can't say i'm contented because i know, deep inside me, i still yearn for something which i don't already have but suffice to say, i do enjoy my days better now. a little bit more of pocket money to spend on things i love but don't necessarily need, a little bit more of a capacity to show love and gratitude for people whom i care for and a whole lot of love waiting for me, everyday. what's more is there to want and yearn. but the truth is.

i can't stop yearning. for bluer skies, roads that never ends. strip malls that are trashily fun. the exhilaration of being a stranger, a tourist everyday. walks in real fantastic parks with leaves changing colors. the first taste of snow, the first whiff of spring. the rush, the serenity, the many things that constitutes life. you know, really, just things that ain't here. while i'm sure another place, another set of problems, but it sometimes kills me to know i don't even have a chance at that set of problems. but no, not giving up anytime soon. still yearning, still pining. still hoping.

and this is exactly the reason why, i'm scared to find myself being contented because, i don't ever want to stop yearning, pining and hoping for the grander things in life. i don't.

and, still not capturing moments.
thanks for reminding me, you, that i've not been doing what i love.
perhaps, in october, i will.

i want to, really.

a lack of colors

2008-05-09T07:56:00.002+08:00

friday morning just before going to work, in shabby home teeshirt still, i feel like almost half-drowning. in the sea of unknown and work. it's exhilarating, it's scary, it's making me want to wave the white flag and yet it's making me want to beat the bad guys and kick them in the faces. if i were to tell my parents how stressed i am, they will shrug it off and surely to say something which won't even make it past my eardrums.

but remembering eng's experience with her father is good enough a reminder to myself.

the key to success is, do not be weak.

tho i'm sure he did not guarantee success. but it can't be the gateway to failure, now, can it?
so, bottom line is, do not be weak.

even if what i yearn to do now is definitely not changing out of my shabby home teeshirt and preparing to go to work. ideally, it'd be to sleep in, wake up at whenever i want to and spend the beautiful day with eng.

then again, a few hours more to saturday, the day to live high. and perhaps, mighty.
and so here we go now.. into the realm of responsibilities.

*poof!

seeing the bigger and sometimes, smaller pictures

2008-04-18T00:04:00.004+08:00

sometimes i forget the goodness that is us.

and when i do let it slip me by, so very rarely, you're always there to remind me.

these days, i have a new job which i am still getting used to, while you are getting more and more accustomed to and inspired at yours. the thought of you lightens up an otherwise heavy day and knowing that at the end of it all, you are always there, for me, makes breathing easier. it does. i love how you embrace me, figuratively and literally. always kind, always encouraging, always believing in whatever capability that's within me, never once doubting what i can do or, i can't do. i look forward to weekends where we spend an obscene amount of time together, exploring new and revisiting old places, having time out alone, or with friends, sitting around, talking and sometimes, not. and more recently, getting lost together in your spiffy new cute ride. it is therapeutic that way, having you behind the wheels and me, sitting next to you, going nowhere, going circles, reaching somewhere . sometimes listening to your unconscious stream of outbursts directed at fellow road users, singing along to familiar tunes, or really just savoring the silence that is between us. it's an indescribable feeling, that emotion of being touched by the most inane thing, the brush of your hand against mine when we stop at the traffic light.

today i had lunch with one of your closest friends and i'm humbled by the questions she asked and as i reflected and responded, i'm once again, reminded of your goodness, your stability, your grounded-ness, and most importantly your faith in us. i can't afford to take all these for granted. i have never experienced these qualities from ex partners in previous relationships and this to me, is a first. i can't thank you enough for that.

we talked about visiting melbourne, just the two of us or with your friends. a city so close to your heart.

i'm not sure if i could ever articulate how important it is to me. to walk the grounds of this city with you, seeing what you saw, tasting the food that filled your hunger, breathing in the air that once liberated you, sharing your favorite spaces and making them mine too, and quite possibly, missing the city that you miss so very often, subsequently after the visit. i'd probably never feel the same amount of love you have for it, but, i want to be able to experience it, to have my heart filled with love for the same city you so adore. i do.

money-full days might seem a little far now, but if we try just a little bit harder, we will get there. the very thought of rolling over and having you within reach when i wake up in the morning is alluring and something i look forward to materialising.

i may not be able to promise an eternity which sounds rather tacky but hey, i do want to promise a whole bunch of todays and tomorrows, if you'd let me.

we will grow old and be dysfunctional together.
that'd be fun. i think.

beck sang this

2008-04-08T19:36:00.002+08:00

lazy sun
your eyes catch the light
with promises that might
come true for a while
oh i'll ride
farther than i should
harder than i could
just to meet you there

and then it hurts just a little.

fear of drowning

2008-04-01T23:07:00.003+08:00

things have changed within 7 days.
a week.
168 hours.

things have changed.

i don't know if i am ever ready but as much as i wanted to be that very cover girl for something i believe in so ever strongly, i think i have failed. because, i have chosen to stuff my pockets with dollar bills instead.

shame, shame, shame.

i am amazed and remain humbled by the extent of people's kindness and niceness. and i shall not forget because i want to be just like that, if ever given a chance. to be supportive, encouraging, forgiving and even empathetic. not sympathetic. but, empathetic. they probably will never find out, but it impacted me in ways i can't exactly describe. that very kindness and niceness. and i don't ever want to forget.

oh little simple things.

and yes.

you know it's time that we grow old and do some shit.

i just don't know if i am ever ready.
that's really all, it is.
really.

because you asked, so, why not.

2008-03-24T23:35:00.005+08:00

guanyin is da bomb.
really, truly.

i've heard the good news on the 19th and finally signed on the dotted line (not so dotted, it was a solid line, but dotted line would be more impactful, wouldn't it be?) this morning. it's nice and comforting to know that i'm now gainfully employed and will start re-becoming a useful person contributing to the society once again come the 31st. i'm excited and honestly am already forming all these grand ideas on how to excel at work. i want this to work out, because as silly and sappy it might sound, i do sincerely believe in the arts, how it may transform a society for the better if used appropriately.

besides, having secured a job now, it can only mean one thing.

happy and better days are coming. it's been a series of downs and some ups for the past two months or so during the job hunting journey. fuse was short and temper was quick. eng has been nothing but supportive and loving. she didn't have to put up with my random outbursts of negativities but she did. she didn't have to be on the other side of the phone hearing me cry over and over again over the same problems, but, she did.

i'm not sure how in the world do i deserve a person like her. but i'm glad that she is here to stay through the seasons of downpour and sunshine. this' a great feeling. it really is.

so thank you to you. you're a gem jam gaps!

sigh a great sigh.
onwards, we go.

you ought to know

2008-03-13T14:36:00.002+08:00

how much i detest the idea of non-arts people working in an arts organisation.
or, rather, pseudo arts people working in an arts organisation.

it irks me to no end.
okay, bye.

the truth is

2008-03-04T15:58:00.002+08:00

i am feeling helpless and almost useless.

as much as i know i will be gainfully employed someday, i can't help but to wonder, when is that day. all these idle time render me breathless, in a no-good way.

heavy heart.

elephant temperament

2008-02-19T04:03:00.001+08:00

there was a moment tonight, when i was looking up at the ceiling while attempting to sleep that i felt true disgust for myself.

not at all pleasant.

i felt my face twitching, and a flat tension cutting my head in two. the sentences that i was putting together kept on overtaking each other, running over each other, overlapping, unscrambling one another, words escaping from and chasing words. the dialog was quiet but quarrelsome, nothing was being truly said because everything was always interrupted. a vast doubt would cut off any thought with a new one, after only a third of the old one had been heard, then only a quarter, and then even less, so that soon there was only a running cacophony left.

that's when i realised that i simply needed to choose. i think the realisation itself was a choice made, for with the occurence of the realisation, i found out why it was that i needed to choose. i needed to choose because otherwise i'd believe that i've gone mad and would most likely either kill myself or devote myself to jesus. neither of which appeals to me.

and so i chose.

sometimes dark tides rise within me. and i'm not about to drown.
that, tonight, is completely obvious. moon and sun on the tongue, still.
insomnia does that to you.

the 100th post

2008-02-19T00:25:00.000+08:00

i read something on the postsecret community board that made me pause. it was like a mirror. something was shown - past joys, past errors, past foolishness - and having seen it, a part of me wants to say, "i'm really sorry." but then, just now that strikes me as something that is said at the end... and i see no end, only a lot of miles to go, as usual. maybe it's practicality that asks if i really want to make them heavy... and whatever it is that answers "not at all" gets the thumbs up today. quietly thinking about expectations, the weekend that just passed, a meal enjoyed, appreciating what's freely given and freely received. respect what you find worth respecting. occasionally it's something that was disrespected, once. and feel free to be, because you are. those who love you, love you for you, even though it might sometimes take them a while to see that. living turns us all into fools like that sometimes. it's just part of the wonder.

on a break i thought about freedom from ideas. a curious time. sometimes i'd like to wipe myself away from all human memory. not disappear from the lives of people, only from their memory. i don't keep that wish beyond the moment right before it disappears. it's unnecessary. without wishing at all, it can already happen.

on a break i also thought: "watch out for the shit." it struck me as a good line, and i don't know or care why.

some things are a bit rough right now, but not really. i just get into the habit of considering stuff as difficult. it's a persistent habit. i break it by believing something else. and then i see why it is that things seem difficult, and seeing things changes them. and then the way is on again. it plays like sound.

sometimes i rebel against the fleetingness of it all. a part of me wants to sit on the stones that were cut and climb the trees that were felled. a part of me really wants the impossible. and the rest of me tends to accept the possible and find ____ therein.

not exactly thinking about feelings, but aware, grateful. i don't mind shedding a few tears in the bed, unclenched, or skipping a little to the music when walking to the bus stop tomorrow morning.

now, i just want to taste the good and drink the water.

harvest moon

2008-01-30T13:19:00.000+08:00

Come a little bit closer
Hear what I have to say
Just like children sleepin
We could dream this night away.

But theres a full moon risin
Lets go dancin in the light
We know where the musics playin
Lets go out and feel the night.

Because Im still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because Im still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

When we were strangers
I watched you from afar
When we were lovers
I loved you with all my heart.

But now its gettin late
And the moon is climbin high
I want to celebrate
See it shinin in your eye.

Because Im still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because Im still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

wanting and not getting

2008-01-22T23:20:00.000+08:00

i am tired...
really.

up on the downside

2008-01-22T11:19:00.001+08:00

pei left last night and i rediscovered how it feels like to go through a break-up. not essentially quite the same sort of break-up, but, yeah still a break-up, nonetheless.

good times, old times, new times.
and i'm just not entirely sure how this will turn out.
i'm missing her already

a little peace of mind

2008-01-13T19:29:00.000+08:00

2008 started with a bang. and a slightly talked about kiss.
well, almost. for the bang part.

"that job" which i once (for most days during the month of december in 2007) envisioned myself to be excelling at, a platform, a pathway to attaining professional success and immense personal satisfaction has turned out to be, unfortunately, a scam. a trap. a downward spiral to almost nowhere. and, most piercingly, it has become "that job".

a job.

and truthfully, i'm not taking it too well. because, if anything, this makes me miss the old place even more. and walking away from that old place was never easy to begin with. and now that my decision to leave has been proven to be such a mess and quite of a joke, at least to myself, my poor poor heart just can't handle it.

the lack of a clear direction with regards to my career bothers me to such an extent that i can't think clearly and this is becoming a problem between my communication and behaviour with eng, who has been bearing the brunt of my intense grouchiness. i wish this isn't the case and i know this shouldn't be the case, especially when eng has been nothing but being totally understanding, sweet, loving and supportive. what have i done to deserve her, really.

brace up, buck up.
and wow, still breathing and waiting for 2008 to be nothing less than brilliant.
really.
really.

then you can tell me goodbye

2007-12-17T00:59:00.001+08:00

it's been splendid really, this year.

in the midst of nearly getting fired, i fell for a girl from across the building where i worked and experienced countless bouts of heart palpitations everytime we met at lunch and other random social settings. i went on a long trip, attempting to recover from the tricky work life only to find myself re-evaluating an important friendship over 3am coffee for him, tea for me and snacks for us in a bookstore, feeling nothing but heartaches and a sneaky emotion that might otherwise be known as betrayal. after being repeatedly disappointed with humanity, i found love with girl from across the building where i worked and it has been nothing short of magical, we made memories of us in the city of bikes and will continue to do so in cities that we wish to conquer in time to come. with love, comes courage, i set out to attend interviews with various organisations and eventually resigned from my job, a comfortable slum for the past three years and will be moving on to an exciting and unknown playground.

so, all's good really.

if this is not splendid, i wouldn't know what to call it. and, the best thing is, next year, next year will be tres awesome, because, i want it to be. so.

six seven times

2007-11-29T10:31:00.000+08:00

last night i sighed in the dark, sleepless. how many things had happened in mere minutes, thoughts on taking photos and love, sexual fantasy, homes, the colors of tea, skin not yet ever tasted, counting down from one hundred, wondering what goes on unseen under my nose, what goes on in berlin and vienna, under some rock that nobody's ever bothered to lift. we may never grasp the magic, but it does fill the veins.

even if it's rather empty, for now.
perhaps, you are right, i should stop romanticising.

you have got a lot to answer for

2007-11-15T23:27:00.000+08:00

i want this happiness to last. for a long long time.
i don't ever want it to go away.
you make me so happy that sometimes when i look at you, all i am able to feel is a lack of breath and that i really need to take a deep deep sigh.
so much love, really.

...

2007-10-26T19:05:00.001+08:00

...and then, i'm gone.

you'd better believe it, me too

2007-10-11T08:17:00.001+08:00

and just because people do horrible things, it doesn't always mean they are horrible people.

i honestly want to and need to believe in this.

it's easy to remember

2007-10-01T07:47:00.001+08:00

and it's morning.

i could lay in bed and not move but what's the point. still not liking question marks. still not liking ambiguities.

still hurting.

goodness is appreciating the greens and the occasional breeze while stealing kisses and then placing my hand on where your heart is. to be a part of you, momentarily, feeling your heartbeat, feeling your chest heave from that silent sigh, feeling your unspoken language. it is this simple. really. and it should be so simple.

and it's morning.
and i could lay in bed and not move.

是这样的

2007-09-30T10:05:00.001+08:00

就像电影散场的時候　
剎那间　
走失的人群

on messy hair

2007-09-09T13:42:00.001+08:00

sometimes knowing has no shape
and happiness has no words.

because you love this and i can't sleep

2007-09-09T05:33:00.000+08:00

If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed, but…who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt.

- celine, before sunrise

the space between us

2007-09-08T10:10:00.001+08:00

this is for posterity sake really.

you were magic, last night.

magic.

love,
me

but everything looks perfect from far away

2007-09-04T08:33:00.000+08:00

my heart is in my mouth is in your heart.

and you were footloose and crazy to be that way

2007-08-22T17:50:00.000+08:00

so i waved goodbye to days of being free, of getting lost in foreign cities , of breathing in fresher air, of meeting and knowing strangers and friends, of bearing no responsibilities, guilt nor burden.

au revoir.

you said there's loneliness everywhere

2007-08-08T14:00:00.000+08:00

the romanticism of traveling never fails me.

notes from across the sea

2007-08-05T03:19:00.000+08:00

a few things:

i really enjoy gazing at the streams of disco-dancing lights on the streets and outside of my hotel room's windows. it makes me feel, strangely comfortably lonely.
while walking in argyle center today, i saw someone who looks like you. and then, it sort of hit me in an almost too fucked up way, that hey, i really do miss you.
work is work.
plans are plans.
stop thinking and just do. (according to eng) wise words but hard to act on, will think about it some more.
good night.

我的冬天就要来了

2007-07-22T00:41:00.000+08:00

and because i can't really articulate very well now, at this instance, i shall point-form it all.

i do feel really bad about being so snappy at A all the time over her computer problems. but really, patience is never my virtue, and i hope and pray that the next time she needs help, i will suck it all up and just be the docile, cheery, and helpful sister-in-law that i should be. after all, she's nice, and i do like her on alternate weeks when she does not bully my poor poor brother and mother.
i am excited about my upcoming trips to hong kong, china and taiwan.
but, at the same time, i am unexcited about the demise of my bank account balance. RIP, my pathetic savings. we will meet again.
hello 买东西吃东西, hello cheer chen, hello hair-standing twitches in heart moments, hello strangers, hello beauty of having incredulous amount of free time to roam around unknown cities and the opportunities to claim a small part as my very own in time to come, hello memories of good ones, not so good ones, and downright outrageous ones. hello my viewfinder.
there are many insatiable wants and needs at this point of my life and to make it easier, i will simplify it as, i need and want ONE BILLION USD. i am also happy to accept POUNDS or EUROS. why thank you.
i need to be a better person.
and, really, we need to 拍照留念
sigh.

this breath won't hold till morning

2007-07-12T10:28:00.000+08:00

this morning as i walked my way out of the train station, i made a little bet.

if it's not raining, it'd be the indication that she likes me too.

and it wasn't.
and i grinned.

was that silly.

goodbye goodman

2007-06-30T12:12:00.000+08:00

the feeling has finally sank in.

i am never good at saying goodbye.
and this, inevitably, saddens me.

always in my heart.
90 goodman road, the incubator of my dreams.

i've been thinking about

2007-06-25T12:30:00.000+08:00

i don't know why i am feeling all silly over the entire notion of friendship.

as related to weber (whose groundedness has put me to shame, not once, not twice but throughout our entire existence), in recent years, i have wanted nothing more but being sincere to people whom i care for because truth be told, i failed at sincerity 101 couple of years back. i was possibly the biggest let-down ever to some people. and that, i am not proud. so really, these days, i want to keep it real so bad that it's exploding in my face. while i maintain that i am teaching myself that expectations are really bad and essentially dangerous to one's mental well-being, i can't exactly help but to still form those little thought-bubbles in my head, oh he should, she should, they should, if only because we are friends, average friends, above average friends, great friends, mates, soul-mates, buddies, sistahs. but of course, i do not verbalise these expectations so when a particular person (whom has the misfortune of being tagged with an invisible expectation) failed to meet said little thought bubbles (also known as exdirtypectations), i am inevitably affected and thus, upset. and i recognise that this is really my own-doing because, it just is. but, facing the person next time round, can just be a little hard until i get over the not so pretty feelings. and it's not fair, because being an emotional being, i channel my innermost vibes right onto my face. and this can't be good. but really, when you do good (to someone), do you expect the same someone to do good back to you. or you just sit around and watch the clouds form WOW.

such mixed feelings.

this is absolutely, juvenile but yet so very real.

this morning... now...

2007-06-14T07:49:00.000+08:00

still.

why does it bother me so.

how many lies below my window

2007-06-13T07:59:00.000+08:00

...and i woke up,
missing.

missing.

that one song, that one moment

2007-06-02T19:15:00.000+08:00

drive away
just get on the interstate
and slip through this closing gate
pulled into this cheap hotel
i called just to wish you well
you said don't let love break you down
well just show me how and let me never be broken
tomorrow a new point of view
these white lights will bend to make blue
now this can all look new to you
are you still living there
walking the streets with your hollow stare
you say there's loneliness everywhere
so we have nothing to loose
the music plays all day long
and sorrow looks beautiful
and lovers seem mystical
tomorrow a new point of view
these bright lights will bend to make blue
now this can all look new to you

- azure ray's these white lights will bend to make blue

cos i am me, the universe & you

2007-05-31T13:47:00.000+08:00

send me a sign, please, anyone.
i need to know.

26 and nothing.
how do i deal.

just so you know

2007-05-29T10:07:00.000+08:00

corporate whoring is essential to one's survival as it not only brings home the bacon, it helps to bring home carrots, cabbage, ham, cheese, taupok, tofu, sushi, chicken rice and most importantly yakult.

thank you.

courage, my love, it makes me bolder

2007-05-28T14:59:00.000+08:00

what made me smile this morning

neighbor's 2-year-old child running to their gate, calling me cheh cheh and blowing me goodbye kisses as i locked mine to be on my way to work.
the collective clicking of fellow commuters' heels as we quickened our pace to catch the arriving train.

while i enjoy being exclusive, the feeling of being part of something greater can be rather refreshing too.

a little warm death

2007-05-27T19:32:00.000+08:00

on msn at work one evening, fellow comrade from across the building said she would never be sufficiently equipped to deal with a loved one's death.

what can i say. really...

the whole notion of missing a dead person kills me.
and today, groggy from an afternoon nap, i sent a text message to f saying "honestly, i fear one day, you would drop dead before i do and i would be left missing a dead person, not knowing what to do. so really, what would i do then?"

to which, the reply was "we'll have lots of good times ahead."
boys.

very appropriately sang

2007-05-01T02:18:00.000+08:00

Here comes wintertime
like a long and dark night
man, I feel so unprepared this time

No stored heat just the smell of defeat and deceit
rolled in to one and then put on repeat
I really need to get a hold of myself
if I'm to get back on my feet
cause this year I got my heart broken
my fears awoken, my beliefs shaken and my dignity taken
but am I wrong to assume that the world is absurd
when religion comes first and knowledge comes third
and there's a fast river
that's a slow killer and cause for bonuses at Phizer
but advice her that she won't get her pills if we don't pay her bills
and it's a sad story but greed is our top skill

So far so good
except for a vague feeling that I should not expect calls
family dinners, long vacations or pictures on bed room walls
these are things I really don't need at all
I just hope she's a

Heartbreaker
a soulshaker and a
lovemaker or a damn good faker
cause I really don't care about these little things that make
a household work or makes her thing rings

And it's long story with no glory
just mistaken for an undertaking that doesn't need replicating

Oh! These are things I really don't need at all

- This Year by Thomas Dybdahl

the truth is

2007-03-31T12:53:00.000+08:00

the truth is, i am not a happy person.
and i don't think i can ever be.
and yet, there's this whole sense of urgency, and need to be.

to be happy.

to feel whole, to be complete. partly for myself just so that living might actually be easier. and just so, when i finally meet the love of my life, i would not short change her by having a broken spirit, a lost soul and little faith in what i can give and can't give. i don't want to be broken, i don't want to be the kind of lover that would weep when her lover leaves out of sheer despair that the relationship just ain't going anywhere. i was that kind of person, but, now, i don't think i am and i don't want to be.

many things have happened on the personal level as well as the workfront.
i feel like i've somewhat grown and yet not, i'm not sure if that's entirely possible but as conflicting as it sounds, it's really how it is for me, these few months. going forward and yet being really quite deep-rooted.
there have been talks and discussions with a close friend on moving out of the country, to faraway places like the uk. we have started working on it, filling up application forms to various MA programmes in the UK, prestigious universities, no less, with money in bank that's not even enough for 1 semester's fees. so, next up, more forms filling for scholarships. i don't even know how much i really want this. i've never been fascinated by the uk and have never fathom a future there. i'm an america girl. inside and out. deep inside my heart, i know where i want my future to be, and that place is just not uk. and this kills me. even before i submit my scholarship application.

i don't have high hopes for anything, not now. i just live my days as grounded as possible. because if i don't hope, i won't get crushed. it's hard being so cynical but i don't know if there are better ways around it. i want to be able to take a chance, to breathe and to be free. i desperately want to.

i pine and i pine for people.

missing people can be rather cathartic. the whole laying in bed, closing eyes and just thinking, conjuring the smell and touch of the missed one stint can be a long and lonely journey. but you'll get by. just like any other days. but on some days, just some days, the eye lids get a little heavier than usual, and you just want to lay down a little longer. that's how i think of you. still.

there's no point to this. but i feel ready for a good cry, now.

not knowing and knowing

2007-02-26T08:06:00.000+08:00

i'm a broken person.

the ups and the downs

2007-02-20T12:14:00.000+08:00

i sighed.

i don't suppose i've ever grasped the whole concept of interpersonal relationships. i guess i just don't do it very well.

the past few days have been nothing but slow, painful and mentally exhausting.

a problem at work has been blown out of proportion and i am feeling very threatened, victimised and affected. i wish people could be more sincere in being a decent human being. i don't exactly know what do/can/will they get out of it from forcing me into a corner, from forcing me to conform, from forcing me to become one of those muted office workers who have no opinions of their own. i am troubled, upset, and scared. i don't exactly know what's the next appropriate step i should take but i do know that i can no longer stay in my current organisation. and this saddens me because, after all, why should i be the one to leave. she, he, he. they should be the ones to pack up and go.

but then, it's never easy for some of us.

i really wish that things will work out.
it's been nerve-wrecking and i am honestly quite sick of it.

with a deep breath, i...

2006-12-15T16:12:00.000+08:00

there have been an immense need to write for the past few days, perhaps to make up for the lack of words over the last few months. i have stopped writing, not because i no longer live, nor think, nor process. i suppose, i stopped because i usually can't find the appropriate words to define my thoughts. and when i reckoned that i could, i let and watched the moment slipped. but today, this afternoon, i will make it known, watch my words form, and feel my heart skip a beat as they materialise.

sept, october, november were dramatic in a i really don't think i could go on working sort of way. i like my job. but i don't fancy the people and the situations i always find myself in. accusations, backstabbing and all those silly office politicking games come and won't go away. people need to cut each other some slack and be made aware that they will only go this far with fake distance learning degrees and inadequate amount of ethics and morals. i get so worn out thinking about work, more so, working. i'm too young to be burnt out like that. it too, baffles me that a co-worker of a certain skin color whom i was bestowed the utmost misfortune to travel with for work think it'd be a-ok to say to me that, singapore is after all, very asian if you bother to dig deep into its cosmopolitan shell. what did he think he'd find, very italian or, very mexican.

people.

december, however, has been slow, and mostly lazy. december is also about empty gazes and forlorn wantings to apologise for past hurts, mistakes, lies, abandonments, and for the person i used to be. the sighting of acquaintances known for years, the familiar faces and profiles of ex-lovers on certain networking community can be too much of a pain to handle. they weren't the ones who walked out. i, mostly did. and sometimes, like now, when i feel like picking up from where we left it, i didn't think it's possible, no more. and it is this exact awareness that hurts. knowing that it is not possible and having to just move on carrying the burden without being able to redeem yourself. but, that's just how it is, isn't it. a cycle.

i want, 2007 to be the end of that very cycle.
i've hopes, still, for better blue skies days.

and, you are still fantastically loved. so are, friends who are like family.

今天晚上

2006-11-08T00:33:00.000+08:00

我们也只不过是落寞的一族。.

just so you know

2006-09-17T19:43:00.000+08:00

one day, i will be so fucking famous. (for all the right reasons, no less)

25th birthday

2006-08-14T23:33:00.000+08:00

i turn 25 in 30 minutes.
i am suddenly overcome with a bout of nothingness.

this is what magic is made of

2006-08-08T08:04:00.000+08:00

an excerpt from a book i'm reading:

"Dearest anvil," she would write to me six years later, "dearest deposed president of some now defunct but lovingly remembered country,
dearest to me, I can find no suitable words of affection for you, words that will contain the whole of your wonderfulness to me.
You will have to make due with being my favorite bagel,
my favorite blue awning above some great little café where the coffee is strong but milky and had real texture to it."

this is magic.

on a night like this

2006-08-08T01:19:00.000+08:00

i just want to dance in your room, listening to barry white maybe and just dance.

in your room back home. where your lights are dimmed.
i wanna do just that.

so this is goodbye

2006-07-10T21:51:00.000+08:00

it's maureen's last day today at the college. the moment she gave me a big hug after i said bye, take care, i will miss you, we both broke down and cried. that made up for all the tears we were fighting last evening at dinner.

i suppose my sadness is inevitable, after all, she's been a mentor figure to me for the past 15 months, always encouraging, always believing in what i can acheive. we shared good times together and often laughed at the bad ones. it upsets me greatly that there's a hint of possibility that she was let go. this utterly disgusting asian society has no place for honest people like me, maureen and felix.

it is precisely why, i need and want to get away. from people who want me to conform, to be part of this whole big ugly corporate culture, to be the hypocrite that i will not be.

the end is the end is the beginning.

a small award

2006-07-07T04:24:00.000+08:00

i've won a small photography award, my first.
it comes with $500, a group exhibition at singapore arts museum and free mentorship, can't say i'm displeased.

this helps to smoothen the ruffled feathers from work.
wow.

moving and then, stopping

2006-06-05T23:38:00.000+08:00

one good news and several other fatal ones.

i went out and got myself a new camera, something that i’ll be using for quite awhile. i’m enjoying the quiet moments with this new camera even tho’ i’ve not quite gotten a hang of it. the presence of a new one, however does not mean i love my little sony cam any lesser. if anything, i miss it even more. even if it’s just laying on the ground, inside my bag, next to my right foot as i’m typing. but that’s just how people are, right? they miss and they miss and they miss. and then perhaps one day, they’ll wake up and just decide that today, this particularly morning of which the air is ordinarily fresh and nothing’s different, will be the day that they stop.

the skip a string of heartbeats kind of stop. the put behind you and pretend that it never exist kind of stop.

the you think you can go on kind of stop.

and then some days, some months or perhaps, some years later, you’ll wake up again, and realise that, it did happen and it does exist, and that you’re really just too broken then to realise it.

too broken then, and still broken now. and you then, resume life, and its normalcy the way it is intended to be. moving on, moving further, and easily away.

the way it is intended to be.

normalcy. and then you will forget that you once lived before the skip a string of heartbeats kind of stop. the put behind you and pretend that it never exist kind of stop.

the you think you can go on kind of stop.

and you just kind of, stop, living.

she, your eighty percent

2006-05-27T19:16:00.000+08:00

your eighty percent and our awkward silence.

life seems to have finally happened and i'm not quite sure how to live it right. there's so much within this battered self and yet so much restrictions imposed, can't write, can't talk, can't think. i don't know how i feel about your eighty percent, is it really, eighty, or seventy, how about fifty, maybe that would make me feel slightly better, somehow. perhaps, perhaps, that sort of dependency is what you want and need and yearn for, always. and perhaps, perhaps, i should be

happy for you but, this drift between us, is, not, what, i, want.

two more weeks and i'm out again. perks perks perks. all these emptiness from within occurs after six pm everyday.

the elusive you

2006-03-30T08:39:00.000+08:00

of late night conversations, frequent hang-outs and random sighing.
it's not entirely possible to just walk away, or is it.

seoul searching

2006-03-25T08:33:00.000+08:00

sometimes i think this is it. and that i can no longer go on.
i'm feeling this right now. i don't exactly know how to deal with super tight deadlines and fatigue and every other thing.
also, i'm possibly the fattest woman in seoul.

how is it that every single woman i've seen so far is so skinny.
this is surreal.

this evening

2006-03-12T23:41:00.000+08:00

because trusting can be tiring, i've therefore decided not to trust anymore.

again, again, again

2006-03-10T18:44:00.000+08:00

when the raindrops hit the concrete ground.

i've been haunted by that one line ' i don't know if i can live without you.'
all things, beautiful, lush and real will subsequently disintegrate into nothingness, leaving two hearts broken, unmendable and eventually dead.

and, today i realise, no matter how much i want to feel alive again for a particular someone, to have my heart in my mouth when i see you, i don't think i can ever handle yet another of that ' i don't know if i can live without you' moment.

some things are just unfortunate this way.
vulnerable moments are best savored alone in the comfort of my own blanket right before the day breaks.

i'd very much like to have a regular heartbeat, for now.
i think.

my heart in my hand

2006-02-28T09:37:00.000+08:00

of millions of stars and acts of spontaneity.
please, remember.

oh procrastination, what a dear friend of mine

2006-01-31T12:28:00.000+08:00

honestly, i feel like a pile of warm sluggish mud whose future will be, a pile of warm sluggish mud. not that i know how that really feels like but rhetorically speaking, i feel like that right now. and it is not a very dandy feeling.

this morning's realisation

2006-01-13T14:28:00.000+08:00

this morning i woke up and ventured into a known and yet unfamiliar neighborhood, looking for nothing, only to discover that we were all born into endless suffering and persistent sadness of a sort.

mixed emotions

2006-01-13T10:43:00.000+08:00

i want the ocean right now.

陈绮贞-九份的咖啡店

2005-12-15T19:25:00.000+08:00

这里的景色像你变幻莫测
这样的午后我坐在九份的马路边
这里的空气很新鲜这里的感觉很特别
仰望这片天空遥望我对你的思念
窗外的星空像你嬉笑不眠
这样的午夜我坐在九份的咖啡店
这里的街道有点改变这里的人群喧闹整夜
望着朦胧的海岸线是否还能回到从前
昨日的单纯今天的实际像你
而你也早已不是你
我的心是一杯调和过的咖啡
怀念着往日淡薄的青草味
窗外的景色像你
没什么道理
这样的午后
我在忠孝东路的咖啡店
这里的街道有点危险
这里的人群面无表情
想问你也问自己
是否还会记得从前
昨日的单纯今天的实际像你
而你也已不是你
我的心是一杯调和过的咖啡
怀念着往日淡薄的青草味
怀念着往日的坚持和现在你我的改变

to the ghost that refuses to leave

2005-10-01T21:22:00.000+08:00

last night i fell asleep with you watching. this is the second time, is this not.
if you'd to ask me, i'd still say no, because you are not the one who makes my heart palpitates, you are not the one whom i want to painstakingly make care-packages for. but all these shall pass, for right now, all it matters would be having the passion to live as it is, the chances to explore beyond whats given to me, the ability to write, the will to make things happen and the opportunity to experience life coupled with travelling trips, in-and-out burgers, sushi, jeans, photo-taking sessions and lotsa sleep. let me never forget this.

on normalcy

2005-09-25T01:42:00.000+08:00

i ought to start doing things. like now.
these days, normalcy comes to me like it never did before. i now, have a 9-6 full time job, a decent pay-check and attend school 3 times a week. i've a functional social life, keeps a healthy number of dinner dates every week, attempts to watch movie every Monday evening.

normalcy is now comfort. normalcy is now, exclusiveness, normalcy is dimmed lights not far away from the computer, normalcy is now waking up at 6am. normalcy is now having the ability and will to cook for people, the ability to accept compliments, the ability to be yourself. normalcy is getting to know new friends and get together to have a good time, normalcy is grocery shopping and playing hide and seek in between the isles. normalcy is also holding hands and gaining acknowledgment. normalcy is not fearing of being ridiculed because of random crying. normalcy.

normalcy is being here, at this moment.
normalcy is how my heart palpitates while you laugh, normalcy.
oh the curse.
much love.

five songs that i listen to a lot right now

2005-08-29T04:02:00.000+08:00

1. I'll find a way- Rachael Yamagata
2. Inside and out- Feist
3. Calendar girl- Stars
4. Such great height- Iron and wine's version
5. Lonely lonely- Feist

oh, you didn't know

2005-07-11T23:54:00.000+08:00

and this morning, i wake up feeling that i dreamt, but i don't remember what it was. it's sunny, and hot again, and spectacular, and i feel a terrible pain. it's the familiar weigh of the past, of having-done-like-so, for having-been-like-so. hurts. but it is so, and so it is, and it feels like birthing pains; not the pains of giving birth to something, but the pains of being born, perhaps... pains of becoming less, or something something. it's not very dramatic. (just like parting silk.) yellow curtains hang mostly still, and a bird settles upon a branch.

oh, i can't pretend to understand, this all. nor make sense yet, and again. now just is a skinless time. oh changes, and times... and i notice that i'm smiled, for seeing myself tangled so.

what a strange, incomprehensible, wonderful, gasped, life

sometimes, like now

2005-07-03T19:17:00.000+08:00

it's not happening.

regrets are among the most sickening feelings ever.
one day, i want to be able to look at you in your eyes again and say, i'm sorry for hurting you.

becoming strangers

2005-05-30T07:41:00.000+08:00

i've been overjoyed. but this sense of joy, it does not stay, instead, it came and went. i was just thinking about how we don't talk anymore. these days, i see you and there's this dull ache. what happened. those futile attempts at polite small talks, they just don't cut it. do you even understand? maybe we've outgrown each other. let us both become strangers, now.
perhaps, it's better this way.

across the streets we stood and said hello

2005-05-12T02:03:00.000+08:00

i've yet to feel this alive for awhile now. tonight was somewhat magical in its own little ways.
sometimes when too much of a good thing happens, i get cynical but now, now, i just want to bask and soak up all these positive vibes. i'm incredibly psyched and suitably glad that despite my corporate whoring day job which is threatening to turn me into a lifeless being, people and resources are often found near and easy to aid me in my artistic endeavors. and for that, i'm grateful and happy.

oh yes, i'm very happy.

there, there

2005-04-23T16:08:00.000+08:00

there, i failed my last exam. i don't even have to wait for the results, i just know i failed.
tho' i feel awfully shitty, i'm also comforted by the fact that i've done reasonably well for all the quiz/assignments during this and last semester so i'll still pass the module overall.

the end the end the end is here. there's this seething fear of coming to the end of everything. and now that this is ending...let it all go. breathe, let it go, let it go. breathe.

back and staying

2005-03-27T23:07:00.000+08:00

a night with longing that does not belong to me. to the person across that seven seas, far and beyond, she's not lost and gone. to the boy with the paining ache in his heart bursting with wants and needs, she, she is not lost and gone.

as for me, i just want to run away to where the air is free, where my heart sings, i want to leave.

at the front of my mind

2005-02-23T07:07:00.000+08:00

i'm worried.
this is the end of my youth.

silent noises

2005-02-06T00:42:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling suitably lugubrious and it's really not very pretty.

so...

2005-01-29T12:22:00.000+08:00

i wonder what to say about it. waiting for the words, i see, in idleness, the light across the keyboard. other light spills across the backs of books that stand upright on their shelves. i don't know why it's there, where it is, like that. just forgotten, there. on the desk, more books, more papers, more things. and the words are yet to come.

last night, i was thinking about things. i remember what it's like to like things. and i remember what it's like to dislike things. to be glad for owning something. and to be sad for owning something. to love a thing, to hate a thing... same thing. last night, i suddenly felt neither. i looked around at all the things i used to own. they were much the same as they'd always been. yet at the same time, it was all so very different. the things didn't belong to anybody, suddenly. suddenly, nobody owned any of it. every thing was at my use, but not at my command, nor at my disposal. i could pick up any thing without wanting to treasure it or destroy it.

if i owned something, i owned it because i owned it. and if i didn't, it was because i didn't.

peculiar. it felt like i suddenly had more time, now that i no longer thought as i had before.

i grow easily used to doing things in certain ways. thinking in certain ways. thinking. learning in certain ways. understanding. grasping. getting an idea. planning. building. creating order. creating structures. drawing. making sentences. making sense. creating sense. certain motion.

but it makes me laugh, every now and then, to notice how habitual it is. up comes a thought, and here's this old road, right there, all ready. the motion is the same. the motion of understanding. but, from time to time, it just so happens that it builds up to nothing. a thought, proceeding in this familiar motion, becomes nothing. no answer at the end of the road. usually there is. usually, something is understood. some shape is grasped, some structure made. but when there's nothing, there's confusion. that's when i notice how i am. and so i laugh, not on purpose, but because it's hilarious. like a good prank.

i don't know good words for it. suddenly i just notice that i'm (thinking) fumbling at water, trying to fold it into a box, or build a house or a bicycle out of it. trying to make some shape that i might then use. but nothing comes of it. i approach things with the general assumption that there's something there to be understood. that there is 'a point'. something to 'get'. it's only when i reach the end and find nothing (here, slip and fall off the edge of the world) that i realize that i was looking for something specific.

every time i start writing about one thing, i end up writing also about another thing. i start writing about encounters, and soon find that i'm writing about intentionality. from intentionality, i wander off to instinct. i become mired in concepts, brooding over which contains which, which gives birth to which, which counters which, which kills which, while the moon rises and falls, and orion might raise his sword for the first time ever, for all i knew.

like eating sand off paper plates.

but i have oranges, too.

and maybe i can just go on from there. let the written pages remain, and write more, to show why the questions that i've asked are as inessential as their answers. there's going to be a period in the end. the void that prevails before the first word, during the other words, and after the period - that may be why i write in the first place. no longer trying to force it into words (capturing scents of you and you into jars), i find it somehow comforting, that it's there, in between each word, in each word, in the hollow of my o's, like the air that accepts every sound ever uttered, and a horizon that welcomes every step, regardless of who takes it.

sunshine and clouds.

feeling rather golden

2004-12-25T11:17:00.000+08:00

tired once again.

"want to know why you don't like amy? it's because you're scared of anyone who's not dressed like you."

a few thousand feet high in the sky, we were talking about acceptance, love on rebound, and many more. so much heaviness from within.
awake now, slightly dazzled from the dream i had, half smiling, heart aching. this is not good.

5 things I'd like to say to 5 different people

i used to love you so much and i still do, i don't think it's ever possible to get over that beautiful and yet highly deluded days, i'm so very sorry that i was so ever selfish towards you. always on my mind, always.
i don't think you know but i do have feelings for you, it's somewhat warped.
it's regrettable, whatever that had happened between us, i tried and gave you my all, it didn't work out, we're left hanging like dolls on strings. i love you too and will for awhile more to go.
honestly. go get a life.
i hope you take it back cos i'm forever tormented by it, please for the sake of humanity. lets all forgive and forget, move on and have fun, you motherfucker.

merry christmas.

the end of my paper-filing days!

2004-12-10T08:15:00.000+08:00

1) middle-aged women baffles me.
especially this particular one who has an almost devious need and hunger for control over everything she can lay her ugly kaypoh hands on. honestly, she should be working at the SMRT's control stations. she will do a fucking brilliant job.

2) psychologically unsound women aside, lunch was nothing fanciful but yet somewhat warming. the nice people from the NAC gave me a lunch treat peppered with what seemed to be a million times of thank you(s)throughout the meal. i suppose, they do have to thank me. it's been fun working with them again and this is definitely not the last time. good times to come, good times.

3) i'm also unfortunately bleeding to my premature death. BUT, this shall not and will not deter me from kicking some asses this evening. i will press on and press on, i will.

4) a friend's father has just passed away in chicago. although i couldn't be there for the wake and funeral, all my positive vibes are definitely with the gulas. they are people of good hearts and they will make it through this grey episode in life, though tough but certainly possible.

5) my favorite korean american has nicknamed me as christmas special. i can't decide if that's sweet or sarcastic really. what do you do with these damn koreans really? and yes, the said korean has also recently started dating and i'm thrilled and happy. kick ass people deserve kick ass partners. i'm glad.

6) plans plans plans. 5 more months and i'm done and everyone can kiss my ass when i make my way to the chilly wind city.

7) point forms are very very very professional.

8) i better go and honestly, i just saw my payslip and i'm incredibly annoyed with the fact that i've donated $0.50 to CDAC. i refuse!! i do not want to donate any of my money to that ^!%^@!(*& organisation who employs deprived-and-unbelievably-grouchy-black-f

aced women! I HATE CDAC!!! okay, that's all i've got to say.

9) being immature is fun.

the smell

2004-10-13T06:56:00.000+08:00

three nights in a row, i have dreams that are alike in tone. flavor, sound, color, and feel - i don't recall any smells, except for the air that i breathe - are the same, even though the occurences of the dreams differ. might say that these stories have different plots but the same theme. on three mornings in a row, i wake up with a sense of significance. that what is happening now, in these days, is significant.

what is happening now, in these days, is realizing - and this is significant - that nothing is significant. and whatever is significant. and everything. and anything. and something.

and that things can't make me happy, mad, unhappy, glad, afraid, sad, or numb. things can't even make me notice. only thoughts can do all this, and only thoughts do. especially the subtle ones. silent thoughts that don't even whisper. thoughts that say nothing. almost like they weren't even there.... but there they are. yet because the thoughts are so subtle, it's the things that get the blame as well as the thanks. being a thought is an influential yet utterly ungrateful job. it's not fair. but it sure is beautiful.

to realize that i can say 'beautiful', without caring about how the word is conventionally used. there is no convention.

and that a thought is never beyond me. a thought is never beyond us.

and we are never beyond thoughts. when there are no thoughts... we are not. nothing may be. but nothing is not us. when nothing is, we are not. whether nothing first disappears or we first appear, i don't know. and where do we go when nothing is? i don't know. perhaps we don't go anywhere. seeing as we aren't.

and to look at what has been said, and live, "i quit you." and then, to quit. i quit you. and then, to realize that there was nothing to quit.

do you understand? i don't ever want to quit you.